Adjusting to Small Town Life

photo by the lovely Rachel Renee

I find myself back to the old patterns of thinking that once held me captive - except now they are not my cage, but rather they are my liberation.

It’s a strange feeling being aware of what they say about you, caring how they feel (as in: wishing them peace and happiness and doing what you can to help make that real for them), and also carrying a deep sense of knowing in your very different perspective. “They” seems as arbitrary and anonymous to me as it ever has, but living in this sweet, small coastal town has also made “they” personal and a bit more intimidating. I find my usual defiant inner confidence wavering when people older than me stare apprehensively back at me… worse if they pick at the exciting idea or discovery I’ve just made.

These days, I’m doing a lot of noticing.

I notice how constantly I think about the person I’ve fallen for who can’t love me back... And I notice my tendency to avoid conflict and remove myself from potentially stressful situations will likely cost me any chance at a social life in this town - if I want to have friends, I have to be willing to speak up and stick around even when things might get a little uncomfortable.

I’m also noticing the way my life has revolved around love interests for the past twelve years… and how very uncomfortable it is to make space for something else.

I notice the ways I care too much and also the ways I’ve been too harsh and outspoken (not because being direct is wrong, but because I’m sending an entirely different message than I intended to when I do this by accident).

I notice the way my hands shake. They never used to do that. And my back aches, my tailbone hurts when I sit too long. My knees don’t want to unfold sometimes. My lungs react strongly to things that I never noticed before. I know I’m only twenty-six, and in a town predominantly populated by retired folks, I really shouldn’t feel old… but I feel the signs of aging in my body and I’d be lying if I said they don’t scare me a little bit. I wish I had someone who understood; who wouldn’t just roll their eyes or avert them in discomfort.

I notice how most of my thoughts are about myself. I don’t love it, but I understand why and I’m holding out on judging myself too harshly for it… As I find my footing and open up to the world around me again, I know that will shift.

A little dream is starting to come true…

I’ve made a new friend, a female friend who understands healing, playfulness, nature, and emotion; it’s been an adventure restoring the space in my heart for friends - somehow that space became dark and full of cobwebs over the years. I found myself sick this weekend, a cold… the first one I’ve ever had where I didn’t live with my parents or a lover who would snuggle me and bring tea and soup. When my friend offered at the first word that I was sick, I was brought to tears in surprise and gratitude.

I know that I’m loved, but it has been a very long time since I’ve let a full circle of support actually into my life… and almost as long since anyone I wasn’t romantically involved with tried on a physical level to be there for me (because I’ve pushed everyone away for so long, probably).

I’ve had this picture in my head of a circle of (literally) down to earth female friends, and in a dark moment after giving too much of myself to someone who wasn’t gentle with me, I realized: if I want to have that circle of friends, I need to allow the women in my life to see when I’m hurting and be there for me, just as I would for them.

In the absence of a romantic partner to occupy my time…

My debut fantasy novel is finally ready for release - awaiting only the final formatting before it goes live… and the second in the fairytales retold series is already planned and in the drafting process. I’ve also found my way through the funk that has left bills piling up in forgotten stacks on the shelf… I uncovered a new big dream. This one doesn’t require a plane or train or European accents… This time I’m dreaming of a home all my own.

It’s a long, uncertain road ahead.

I find myself overwhelmed and frustrated sometimes - just looking at the state of the world today. I’ve always had a fear that when I did finally establish a home of my own, one I own and never have to leave, that it would be at risk in forest fires. Some days, I still have a fog come over me, where I wish I didn’t exist. The end feels inevitable and so unkind, and it seems like if fewer people were alive, maybe some could be saved. Sometimes some part of me just wants to disappear, to get out of the way. But I’m learning to soothe that part of myself more and more. I’ve discovered ways to buy myself time to reconsider when the thoughts get too convincing, loud, or heavy… and a little time is all it ever takes for me to fall back in love with life again.

That wasn’t an easy thing to learn how to do for myself; I’m proud of the healing.

I’m beginning to believe the beauty I bring to the world and the light and love people are always thanking me for. Seeing that helps a lot. I’m starting to feel like maybe I matter, and I’m trying to find new ways to more effectively share what matters with the world around me… from my books to the garden I dream of one day having to the furbabies I hope to rescue to the hearts I hope to touch and heal in the years ahead of me.

I don’t really know where my path is headed next, but I imagine we’ll walk it together as I continue to share in the journey in this space.

Thank you for being here.