Becoming a Friend to Yourself
Have you ever bravely done something your own way… and later crashed and burned?
Have you ever made the same mistake twice? (Three times? More?)
Have you ever felt like you screwed everything up?
I have.
This is me with my beloved friend and most favorite photographer, Rachel Renee. She’s an amazing friend, and I hope the rest of the words you’re about to read help you to be as good to yourself as she is to me! (Shoutout to her love Bruce for capturing the moment!)
Just seeing this photo of loving friendship after remembering moments I felt like a failure brings tears to my eyes… It’s the hug I need in a moment of shame, and it’s also the last thing I want to give myself when I have a low moment.
When I think about a mistake I’ve made, there’s a voice Like a megaphone in my head.
It tells me:
That was so stupid!
I can’t believe you did that.
You actually expected that to work?
You’re so naive.
Why couldn’t you have just been happy with the way things were? You are so ungrateful.
What did you expect, Instant Gratification Queen?
I always make a mess of things.
I ruin everything.
I wouldn’t be in this mess if I was as organized/consistent/disciplined as so-and-so.
It’s always the same pattern; I’m pathetic.
Can you relate?
And I was curious, so I asked around, and it turns out I’m not the only one who has had these experiences. Here are some of the messages other people are telling themselves when they make a mistake:
I’m such an idiot.
That was brilliant, genius. (NOT.)
Wow, I suck.
Why me?
What did I do to deserve this? (Am I so horrible?)
Karma hates me.
Brutal, right?
There’s truth to the saying “no one is as hard on you as you are on yourself.”
But what if it didn’t have to be that way?
Here’s something that can help:
A few months ago I was inspired by an exercise my counselor shared with me before I went to Germany to help me overcome the loneliness of a language barrier in a foreign country. The purpose of the exercise? To start building a better friendship with my self.
The exercise started with simply listening in and seeing what that dialogue in my head is like throughout the day. It’s amazing what you find in there when you tune in at random. I wrote down the thoughts I noticed and at first glance, I didn’t think it was all that bad. Just a boring internal monologue, right? Except… I was shocked at how incredibly cruel it all sounded once I had to read it out loud in front of another person. Hearing the words actually leave my mouth, I cried for the part of me that was taking this constant abuse.
Even though I recognized how unkind I was being to myself months ago, it’s been a long journey of continuing to notice and acknowledge… Lately, I’ve been talking a lot more to people in my circle as I recover from a big financial mistake and experience a devastating low point. Something I noticed in the struggle was how harshly I spoke about myself, my ideas, and my intentions (and how often my loved ones hinted at kinder alternatives and compassionate perspectives).
Not only was my internal self-talk unkind, but what I was writing and speaking painted me in a dark cloud, too.
What do you do when you can’t love yourself?
Okay, it’s not that I can’t love myself, because I do love me. I’m proud of me, I adore me. I’m just not a very good lover of me sometimes. So, now that I acknowledge the way I mistreat myself, and how much that costs me (pain and suffering, emotional turbulence, impulsive decisions and unhealthy behaviors for distraction, perfectionism, the loss of time spent obsessing or wallowing, the sadness my loved ones experience when they witness my disdain, the opportunity to experience joy, etc), the next step seemed obvious to me.
Ways to Change the Cycle:
If you want to change a habit, there are a few ways you can try to go about it.
If you like extremes, you can try to go all-in, all at once. (Or quit cold turkey.) Commit to doing something perfect every single time and use streaks and rewards to help yourself be able to do it…
If you don’t cope well with change, you can plan yourself a gradual shift from where you are now to where you want to be. Use a calendar, plan out milestones or a way to measure the transformation, and consider getting an accountability buddy or sharing your plan with people who will help you to make the progress you commit to.
You can stack the habit you want onto another habit.
There are countless ways to build and change your habits; these are the three I hear about the most often in the world of personal development.
Don’t forget to reflect and consider what works best for you.
Personally, I respond best to inspiration and encouragement without too much pressure… so quitting something cold turkey or trying to go all in from day one don’t usually work well for me. They sound fun and exciting and I love to try, but I know that in the long run, these methods generally don’t give me results.
I also know that I will obsess or avoid a habit if it isn’t an easy transition for me. (Fear of failure makes a person do weird things, you know?) So what I decided to do to help myself become a better friend to me is to shift the type of self-talk / frame of mind I have from harsh to loving for the next six weeks. (This is likely a lifelong journey, but having a small time frame helps give the project meaning. At the end of the six weeks, I’ll reflect on the journey and decide what’s next!)
Once I knew what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and how to approach it, all that was left to do was break down the individual steps. If I want to improve my self-talk over time from harsh to loving, I needed to define harsh self talk and loving self talk. I already had my notes from the things I was thinking in the very beginning of the exercise, so I just needed to write down the loving alternative. (I did something similar to this in an absolutely incredible life coaching program I was a client in and the results were AMAZING. I wouldn’t be where I am today without that experience.)
Let’s break it down, step-by-step.
So, if you want to try this - take down a list of the mean things you’re saying to yourself… Then, next to each phrase or on a separate sheet of paper (or even on sticky notes to put around your home), write the opposite!
The opposite isn’t a hard rule. You can write something alternative, but start by writing the opposite and see what happens. Sometimes the opposite will make you REALLY uncomfortable - and usually that’s a great clue of a really strong believe you hold about yourself that could use some attention with a professional or in your own personal development journey.
Once you have your list of loving phrases, find a way to keep it handy or at least keep one on you each day to practice. At least three times each day, check in with where you are in your thoughts… Acknowledge if something is unkind, and try to send yourself forgiveness and understanding; you have these negative thoughts for a reason, and you aren’t the only one. There’s no shame here.
After acknowledging any harsh self-talk, take a moment to counter the thoughts that were hurting you. Replace it with the opposite or a positive alternative, and allow yourself to ponder where in your life there is evidence that this more loving alternative is true.
(I’m good about remembering to check in at random to do things like this, but if you aren’t I recommend setting alarms throughout your day to remind you.)
This is a pretty effective way to shift your thinking over time, in my experience.
How can you change negative self-talk more quickly?
There’s one more thing I’m doing to help myself be a better friend to me…
I’m not sure how the COVID crisis has affected you (or if it’s still relevant as you read these words in the future), but I spent most of it traveling - moving from one AirBnB to the next, searching for a long-term home before eventually moving all the way to Germany and back. (It was not as fun as it sounds, trust me.)
During all of this chaos being felt around the world, especially as I was far from home, I noticed myself looking more and more for validation from others. The time and energy I gave myself was being discounted as I became thirsty for attention and approval from people I barely even knew, or who didn’t share my values and couldn’t understand me.
I know that was a strong influence in the way my self-talk shifted to become so critical and judgmental. Every time someone didn’t appreciate my work or acknowledge my existence, that critical voice in my head took it as proof that I was a total and complete failure - unworthy of, well, anything. That’s so not okay. So, I asked myself what I would give my best friend if she was talking about herself the way I was talking about myself…
I knew I’d point out to her all of the beautiful things in her personality, show her what I admire about her, and remind her of her incredible strengths and delightful quirks. I’d want to show her how grateful I felt for her.
Boom.
Gratitude. That’s what I was missing, that’s what I was really craving, and it’s the one thing I wasn’t showing ANY of to myself.
Which is why I decided to add in a short gratitude practice to my evening routine. I know from the bajillion self-help books, podcast, TedTalks, and so on I’ve devoured that gratitude unlocks so much potential for love, kindness, compassion, growth, and so much other goodness. I also know that genuine feelings of awe and gratitude snuff out insecurity and shame like nothing else in this world.
Because I’m using my gratitude practice in the evening as a jumpstart for the new thoughts I want to implement long-term, and not as a long-term commitment in itself, I decided to go all in on my gratitude practice and aim to do it every single night. I might not get every night for long, but while I’m excited about the new goal to be a better friend to myself, gratitude will propel me forward and give me that perfect dose of satisfaction from seeing progress quickly. Over time, my gratitude practice may become less important as my thought patterns naturally lean toward gratitude and carving out time for it isn’t necessary.
So there you have it. What do you think, will these steps bring you to a better state of friendship with yourself? What might you do differently going forward?
