Grace and Self-Care | Next Stop, Germany!

Once again, I find myself in a place of transition. The year in the rear-view has a hurricane blowing right through it - tearing up green pastures, tossing trees in the wind like toothpicks… and the future, while gleaming with hope, looks just as uncertain as this present moment did when it was still before me. Does that make any sense?

When I was a kid, my grandpa told me life repeats the lesson until we learn it.

Sometimes I notice myself repeating the same lessons and I feel like a fool - but one thing I learned along my many travels is that we are all human, and there is no shame in it. There was so much I’d never done and couldn’t see myself doing when I left my home and family for the first time, that now I’ve had to forgive myself for, embrace, and adjust to be able to stand in integrity and look myself in the mirror.

I also learned that one of the tell-tale signs of bipolar disorder is shame… and that shame is actually a type of depression.

When I look at my family history, this makes so much sense - and I can see how the stories I sat and listened to in awe as a child (and took careful notes on from a very young age, desperate to learn from every cautionary tale and not make foolish mistakes “like your mother,” as I was told), were laced with shame and guilt. It’s no wonder these are my default identifying emotions.

I don’t know how I ended up such a hopeful, optimistic person, but I’m grateful for it.

It’s my last Sunday in Idaho, & the last full Sunday in the United States.

Next stop, Germany!

When I first left home, a lot of people thought I was running away. (That’s what happens when you have a messy childhood and decide to go on adventures - everyone makes assumptions, but nobody actually asks or cares to know where you really are in the healing.) I knew that I wasn’t running away - I was running toward this incredible calling in my heart, and I’m so glad I did.

But when I look at the moves I’ve made since - I do see some running. My first instinct was to be bothered by that, but my next reaction was to show myself grace and love. I asked myself: why do people run, though? And the compassionate response that came was that they run when they feel afraid, when they think they need to get away from something dangerous. Or, in my case with that gut-feeling of shame ever by my side, they run to protect what they love - to prevent themselves from hurting anyone they care about.

With this in mind, it became much easier to show myself love and grace in the running. The funny thing is, once that love and grace came into the picture, so did the urge to run. I felt safe and held and welcome and less ashamed, all because I took a moment to just see myself as a human being doing her best. I looked behind the moves I made to see the deeper intention, just like what I do for everyone else and what I often wish people would do for me. It worked - and now I have a new perspective on that saying ‘you have to love yourself first.’

“You have to love yourself first.”

So, with my final week in the United States ahead of me, I’ve been checking in with this adventurous heart of mine and asking if it has all that it needs - what can I do for you? Are you feeling safe? Did you know I love you? And while there’s a little bit of fear (I’m going to be a writer in a country where I don’t speak the language, that’s… oh my gosh), mostly, I feel strong, resilient, deeply loved, and I have this gentle sense of peace in knowing this whole world is my home as long as I’m committed to loving, honoring, and being my whole self.

Whatever lessons are to come, I am grateful for the opportunity.

I can’t wait to share the journey with you, beautiful human!

No promises as to how active I’m going to be, but if you’d like to come along for the journey through Germany in pictures, come find me on Instagram @serendipitybird and be sure to get on my email list.

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