Redefining "Negative" Emotions | It's healthy to feel sad sometimes!
“Hello, Darkness my old friend,”
Hahaha, Just Kidding. (But Listen To The Most Epic Cover Of That Song EVER Here. #Pentatonix)
Welcome back to the blog, today we’re gonna ramble through redefining tough emotions, particularly sadness, but this can apply to anger, jealousy, impatience, a whole lot of things (and if you want a specific post on any of those, just say so in the comments and I’ll make it).
Why are we talking about this unpopular and uncomfortable thing today?
Well, mostly because it drives me batty when people try to tell me not to feel sad. I know it comes from a loving intention, but let’s get real: it is healthy, and necessary, to feel sad on occasion! It is a GOOD thing to feel sad sometimes. I firmly stand by my right to feel my own emotions. This is part of being a human being- and cliche as it might sound, we need the darkness to help us appreciate the light.
And also? We’re talking about this because it hurts my heart to see the people I love the most keeping all their sadness secret and letting it weigh them down, feeling like failures or disappointments or like they’re somehow broken for feeling sad. Sadness is not weakness, my sweet sweet friends and family, and you reading this especially. Sadness is a natural human emotion. It’s something everyone feels sometimes, even bajillionaires living really mindful heart-centered lives on glorious beaches with beautiful families and communities feel sadness (I know because I’ve talked with them about it, they’re not as different from our little average selves as you’d think- but that’s a post for another day). So. Let’s talk about the feels. You ready?
I felt sad today.
But hold the sympathy, please.
I felt the cool, damp fog of sadness roll over me like the morning mists still floating in the treetops outside… I knew before I even opened my eyes that today was going to be a little cooler, a little more spacious, a little dim in my heart.
That’s How I Woke Up Today…
And I Wasn’t Dismayed.
I have this inner grandma (like you know the concept of your inner child? Well this is the grandma version. She’s wise and not easily flustered, like The Oracle from the Matrix, y’know?), and my inner grandma smiled her knowing smile and patted me on the head in soothing reassurance. This sadness is a precious part of life too, kiddo, inner granny said.
Granted, in a quick little note here, this sadness is different from the thick numb cloud of depression. You know, the stagnant kind that creeps in and sticks around for months? That wasn’t the feeling I woke up to today. Today’s sadness was a feeling in motion, by which I mean it was clearly just passing through. It felt like active sadness, and while depression is something that must be healed and tended to, this more active type of sadness is exactly the kind of sadness we’ve got to learn to honor and allow ourselves to sit with and even share in our society today.
(And really, I think if we weren’t pushing this sadness away and hiding it from our loved ones, maybe depression wouldn’t be quite as prevalent. Connection works wonders for moving the fog of depression- I know this from experience. You can totally disagree with me, but hear me out for a sec. Just read through the end and then decide for yourself if sadness is something you’re due to redefine in your own life.)
Anyway, To Get To The Point Here… I Didn’t Resist Sadness Today.
I did everything I usually do, and simply allowed myself to feel sad while doing it. I didn’t pity myself for it or resent the misty feeling that wouldn’t vanish even if I did try to toss it out. I let it tag along as I went for my morning hike, as I contemplated with gratitude in the forest, sent off a loving message to a friend who kept popping up in my mind, and I let it sit in awe with me when I caught a glimpse of the lake at sunrise. I even took my sadness with me to go visit the ocean and doodle. I didn’t urge it to leave, I didn’t ask my doodles to distract me and make me feel happy. Sadness and I had a play date, and it was a really good day. To feel a “negative” emotion doesn’t mean a day has to be bad. I don’t think many people realize that. I didn’t until recently, anyway.
The occasional moment of sadness doesn’t stop me from living my life.
It Shows Me Yet Another Lens To Look Through As My Loving, Joyful Little Self.
In fact, sadness in tow, I even made some friends at a restaurant. We spoke just briefly, and I shared a little of my sadness with them- and the sharing wasn’t gloom and doom and aching and pity. It was bright and warm and loving. And this is what I mean when I say we’ve got to learn to redefine tough emotions. Sadness isn’t a bad guy. It’s not the end of the world or something to banish. If your “best life” and your big dream in life is to live a life where you are never, ever sad, I’m afraid you’re in for some disappointment… and I think you may also be missing out on some of the deepest flavors and pleasures of life. Not because being sad is necessarily pleasant, but because without the contrast, your joy will become normal. People in southern California complain that the weather is always awesome, you know? (No really, they do! And you would too after a while.) Humans need change and contrast. It’s a gift. It’s adventure. It’s material to create and grow and change and love with.
I am experiencing true peace only when I allow my emotions to flow naturally.
To reject and resent our emotions is a subtle act of violence that, when done too often, leads to real violence… sometimes physical, but more often verbal or emotional. We’re short with others because we feel bad about ourselves for being sad. We snap at the grocery clerk or go flying around others on the road for moving to slowly or asking too many questions- when really we’re just frustrated that this cloud of fatigue or depression or anger won’t get off our back. These tough emotions bring out shame, and when shame comes out to play, it’s like this little bitty monster takes over the reigns in our lives without our permission. It’s part of the cycle of violence, and we are constantly fueling it by refusing ourselves. Does that make sense?
So If Ignoring The Feelings Creates Violence And Ruins Peace… What The Heck Are You Supposed To Do About Feeling Sad?
Literally nothing. Sadness isn’t an emergency. It’s an emotion. Do what you’d normally do, and realize that sadness is your companion for the moment. Maybe it’s like Jiminy Crickey or like Donkey from Shrek, driving you nuts- but it’s your companion so just learn from it and let it come along. Just like Donkey, it’s not going anywhere for a sec. Embrace the experience. Maybe it’s more like a cloud or cool mist over your heart for the day, like mine. That’s okay too. Just challenge yourself to notice it and see what it feels like to live your life with this companion for a while without trying to toss it out. See if the experience is different than when you do what you usually do- don’t go into fix-it mode or try to distract yourself. Just live and let this feeling be what brings you mindfully into the experience. You might find out something you never knew about yourself or the world around you.
(Side note— I highly recommend the book Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. It’s the true story of how this amazing professor shares his journey of dying with his students. Morrie talks about how he lets himself grieve for his coming death, and how he continues to live his life so fully as well. It’s really inspiring and powerful stuff. Morrie knew how to live life.)
I know, I know: “But it’s bad to live in sadness. It’s silly to pity yourself and say ‘woe is me, life is so hard.’ That’s frowned upon.”
Well, yes and no. I see the point in not wanting to live there. But what if, instead of pitying yourself for feeling sad, you were able to simply sit with the sadness and let it be what it is? And let that presence remind you of your connection to literally every non-sociopath human being on the planet- because we literally all experience sadness. What if you thought of your heroes or those girls on Instagram who’s lives look so perfect or that dude in your industry who just ROCKS everydamnthing he does… and you let yourself rest easy knowing hey, I’m feeling the same thing so-and-so also sometimes feels. How special is that?
And what’s more… when you’re able to acknowledge the feeling without shoving it right out the door, sometimes you gain a whole new perspective on life. You begin to see yourself with more compassion, you recognize that your emotions are not you, they are simply with you for a time. You start to see little signs and coincidences around you- like maybe you notice others are also feeling sad (and even whether they’re allowing it or resisting it) around you. If you pay attention, you’ll see this when the sun goes away for a time- people in the community all feel it and react differently but it’s interesting to notice how many people actually also felt unusually sad on a particularly gloomy day- or how many people felt a little angry and out of sorts on a really hot day in the summer.
These emotions don’t define us, they’re not really a decision, it’s your response to them that is a decision. And if you can’t decide to feel or not feel something, then that feeling also can’t define your worth, right? Because how can something you have no control over define your value as a human being? That’s an old way of thinking and the times have changed. Embrace this new power of being able to see and acknowledge your thoughts, and let your response to them be what defines you. Be strong enough and wise enough to understand that sadness is not here to threaten your peace and happiness, it is just a visitor stopping by. It does not have the power to topple your dreams and ruin your life, unless you allow it to.
And on a final note, I want to share with the #goodvibesonly tribe: sadness is not low vibe. It’s not a bad vibe, either. It’s not. What’s low vibe is resistance- including resistence to sadness. How much more expansive and high vibe would it feel to know your sadness intimately, and to look at it with a calm, confident, and loving heart- knowing it has no power over you, and is merely here to observe for a moment before carrying on its way? Low vibe is being defensive against your own humanity. High vibe is learning to dance with it.
So There You Have It, Some Rambles On Sadness.
I truly hope this has been a helpful soothing piece. I think it’s so special to be able to play with life, and I think it’s a bit of an art at times, learning how to play with cards dealt to us that feel unfair. Sometimes, waking up sad can feel like that, but if you look a little deeper (and with a softer heart, maybe, and a little self-compassion), you just might find some magical sort of gift hiding in the seemly pointless gloom. I am a lover of cloudy days and rainstorms, just as much as I appreciate the warm glow of the sun on my face. It’s not either/or, you can have both.
Sending you love,
Jessica
