The Cost of My Fullest Expression

Have you ever done the thing that scared you most?

I have… and it’s a little addictive.

When I Was 15, I Faced My Biggest Fear: Acknowledging My Own Mortality.

As a woman with cystic fibrosis, I was painfully aware of the life expectancy for someone with my illness. It taught me to cherish every day and to become intentional with every moment. It gave me the gift of appreciating my life and simple joys long before most people do in life. Can you imagine spending five days per week from 7am until 4:30pm revolving around high school… while wondering if this was mid-life for you?

I’m 25 now and I’ve faced some more tangible fears.

Fears like moving out to the Oregon coast in an RV by myself…
leaving everything and everyone I’d ever known behind, including my husband.

The divorce wasn’t long after, and I checked yet another fear off the list: breaking the heart of a good man… for good reason.

And I Learned That Some Things Can’t Be Buried.

There is magic in the embracing of our fullest expressions and it is a gift, even when it hurts. Even when it has to hurt someone else. (And that was my deepest fear of all. It seems my decisions hurt a lot of people nowadays… funny how that works, isn’t it?)

I read somewhere online today that to disappoint breaks down into dis- as in breaking or setting aside- and appoint, which is a given role… and that when you disappoint someone, what you’ve done is set aside the role they’ve given you… and that we ought not be ashamed for turning down roles that aren’t right for us.

Disappointment (n): dis·ap·point·ment
sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

My first thought with this is that it’s not fair if we gave others reason to believe we’ve accepted that role… but life is an adventure and there’s new knowledge and growth in every breath and second. Of course we change our minds when new information comes in. That’s a part of being human.

So, Today I’ve Decided To Forgive Myself For The Many Disappointments I’ve Been.

I’ve decided to thank myself for the courage to face the cost and consequences of living in my fullest expression and trusting in the fire and loving core that drives me forward and calls me deeper into the work that roots my existence and whispers to me in every moment.

For the past five years, I’ve actively worked to do my part to make this world better than it was when I came into it. And maybe all my life, honestly. Because at sixteen, I learned about animal agriculture and the cruelty and environmental destruction behind the industry, and I gave up eating meat. By nineteen, I’d given up all animal products, including some of my own medications. I couldn’t live with my life being sustained by taking from another. At twenty-three, I’d dedicated a year to minimizing my household and consumer waste.

Twenty-Four And 2020 Stand Out… Because It Was A Selfish Year. The Most Frivolous And Superficial I’ve Ever Had.

It started with the most powerful daily rhythm I’d ever had, RV life by myself on the Oregon coast… being acknowledged as an author for the first time… and it ended in Galveston, Texas on my way to a new home in Florida… a couple thousand miles from anywhere I’d ever been before.

In 2020, I got lost in the throws of addiction, pits of despair and financial war with myself, went through divorce, and found love stronger than any drug I’ve encountered. I learned to use my voice - another of my biggest fears, to be misunderstood and accidentally hurt someone… I overcame this fear messily over the course of this year, and it hurt… but when an old best friend complimented me saying, “you are so well spoken” and told me how inspired she was by my clear communication of a vision and the steps in action to bring it to life, all the pain and fear I faced to squeak out my message when my throat wanted to close up became worthwhile.

2020 was the year I knew too much to keep my head in the sand anymore.

I Had To Choose: Disappoint Others Or Disappoint Myself.

Another ultimate fear, and I’m proud of the choice I made… and how far I’ve come from that little girl who was torn and couldn’t make the tough decision.

There’s No Pretty Bow To Wrap Around 2020.

It won’t easily tuck into 2021’s closet the way all the years before have done. This year is the one that keeps going. Not just a new chapter, but a new book.

An end to the era of pain and depletion; in my heart and soul there will be love and nothing less from here.

Tell me: have you ever done the thing that scared you most?