Living in Color

WHAT is 2020 doing?

It’s been such a wild couple months already, on sooooo many levels. April was a big month of unfolding, reflecting, and taking action!

The story playing on a loop in my head keeps going back to the contrast between being married and the new shock of this person who was my whole world for ten years suddenly not being a part of my life at all. Even though it was my choice and I’m so glad I finally made it, the shock hits in waves and leaves me a little confused every now and then.

The Feeling Is Like There’s An Echo, A Space Where There Used To Be… Something But I’m Not Quite Sure What.

I catch myself looking around for someone to ask for permission, approval, and and invitation at every turn- and if I let it sink in too deeply, I wind up wondering if my last relationship was so unhealthy, and how it ever got to that point… but then I realize my sense of self and safety was so deeply engrained in the approval of another person that I never gave myself the opportunity to learn to decide and act and feel all for myself- all naturally as I would without considering the input of another person.

A hot and oh-so-sensitive topic in my world for the past two years has been learning to speak up and use my voice, to let myself be seen and heard.

When I was a child, being seen and heard wasn’t always safe. Being noticed was dangerous and almost always ended in some form of pain and regret… sometimes it meant watching my mom or my sisters be hurt and believing that was my fault… so I have a lot of love and grace for myself when I really think about why I struggle to speak louder and more clearly… and why it’s so hard for me to get myself to share my work with as much love and intention as I do for my clients as a social media manager!

I know how to share and grow this sort of community and creative space I’m so devoted to- it’s just a different story when it comes time to write it up and hit send/publish for my own work vs for someone else’s.

When something only needs my stamp of approval to be published… it feels unfinished.
Not good enough. Childish. Selfish.

In the few months since embracing my freedom, I’ve discovered so much in myself that I didn’t know was still in there. (Self-doubt in outrageous levels, but also some really exciting positive things!)

For instance, I started wearing colors again and learned that I do actually love pink! (My closet has been all black, white, and gray with a few darker shades of purple and green for years! Pink felt way too… blonde?) After catching myself struggling to speak above a whisper, again, I decided it was time to start behaving like I actually wanted to be seen.

Since I felt so frustrated that this thing I’ve been working at for years isn’t making the kind of progress I want it to, I decided I need to give myself a break… but also make sure that I’m doing all that I can to play the part of someone who has lived through the transformation and come out the other side… If I can just do my best, that’s enough and I don’t need to beat myself up over the results.

So I went out and got a hot pink jacket, and a nice baby pink one for the less-bold days too. I decided to wear a bright color every day for a week, just to see what I could learn by playing with the experience.

I believe we always find more of what we’re looking for…

So for that week, I also committed to noticing all of the color in my life… and to embracing the colors as signs of my showing up, speaking up, and letting myself be seen really working! By the end of the week, the list of color and evidence of growth and showing up was overwhelming.

I Felt Changed.

It’s been a couple weeks now and my only regret is not buying a more practical hot pink item! I love wearing my fuzzy sweater, but with the spring weather coming in strong, a fuzzy jacket doesn’t really cut it most days. My pile of black tank tops and t-shirts keeps winning for practicality’s sake. (Time for a new wardrobe? Maybe.)

But the jacket isn’t the point. The point is…

I Noticed The Story I Was Telling Myself,
Made An Intentional Choice To Tell It Differently,
And Took Action To Live That New Story.

That’s how you change your life.

That doesn’t mean it’s all suddenly perfect. Speaking up still gets me, it’s a real process relearning how to use my voice when I’ve been using it in this same way all my life. It’s not always easy to be gentle with myself about it. (Everything I do and love revolves around words, how can speaking UP be so freakin’ difficult for me to do? Just doooo it, right? Right??)

But at the end of the day I know that I’m here always doing my best, and that’s going to be enough. This experiment with color was so much fun and I really felt a transformation in myself. I noticed stereotypes and fears I’d been holding over myself that were stopping me from truly being myself… I found ways I hold myself back without even realizing I’m doing it… and I ended a cycle of self-sabotage that has been happening for over a decade.

It’s Messy Sometimes, But I Think I Like Living In Color.
How About You?

The next inner lesson I’m playing with is releasing the need for permission and approval from others. I feel like this one is another spiral, but I hope there’s an end to it someday. I’ve released this need in so many aspects of my life, but there’s still a part of me that chokes and hesitates and holds back until I’m literally invited or told to do something. The pen is in my hand, but I’m waiting for someone else to tell me it’s okay to go ahead and use it. Step one here is grabbing my journal and writing about what I wish I had permission to do… what would I love to do most if I had a formal request and invitation to be seen doing it?

Thanks for sharing in my journey, I hope this rambling has been of service to you in some way.

Sending lots of love from my little edge of the world,

Jessica