The Joy Threshold

In my 4th grade wellness class, the teacher required that we show up to class with a new written health fact each day… and despite the little over-achiever I was at that time, I showed up to class without a fact one day. (I was in tears- “it’s the end of the world, there go my college scholarships!” Ha!!)

That day, one of my best friends had two facts written out- a back up in case anyone forgot… and she gave me hers. It’s not lost on me what an incredible friend that is- I think it’s so precious to notice and appreciate those acts of consideration and love as an adult… Don’t forget to do that.

Anyway, the fact she shared with me said:

Everyone’s threshold for pain is different. What feels ticklish to one person can be agonizing for another.

I moved to the Oregon coast in September and I’ve been unfolding as my dreams came true one by one… And as all these dreams fell into place…

I was brought back to this idea of my threshold…
not for pain, but for joy.

I was forced to face that threshold- I couldn’t enjoy my dreams coming true until I moved past my old limitations for how much joy I was allowed to experience.

For a rare and beautiful few in this world- embracing and welcoming joy is a natural, easy process! It’s something that they experience and allow to flow without question. For others, joy is a complex thing. We all want it, but we talk ourselves in circles about whether we deserve it, if we’re worthy… we feel guilty for having it (especially if there is someone out there suffering while we are experiencing joy)… and, of course, we’re afraid of losing the most incredible happiness once we finally get to feel it.

I’d define my threshold for joy as the limit to how much joy I can experience before getting that overwhelming nudge of guilt/shame or panic that it can’t possibly last… and since September, that threshold has been on fire inside of me.

Every day felt like a balancing act, a circus show in my head with each character playing a role in the dance. Sometimes it was a playful show, but other times it was more like one of those eerie circus shows where clowns are unnecessarily creepy and murdery, y’know?

When my marriage ended, I felt so free.

I felt happy and I was so proud of myself for finally drawing a line and choosing what felt so deeply right for me. I followed my arrow and I was absolutely soaring in the relief and joy. I felt love already stirring in my heart again, a whole new love- and I fell back in love with parts of life I forgot I used to enjoy.

Then… I Hit The Threshold, And I Felt A Little Ashamed Of How Happy I Was.

I told myself I needed to take more time, let it sink in. Allow myself to grieve. Show my ex the respect of being sad for a while…

Lean back into sadness, that old habit purred!

I almost did- it was tempting for a second. And then I remembered: I’m exploring joy! I committed to that, I set that intention for a reason. I’m following it!

I’ve been grieving this marriage for years as it is. I’ve been drowning, dying, aching, ashamed, dimmed… not because he was a horrible person, but because it was time to let go- and I was holding on for the wrong reasons. I was destroying myself flame with poisonous expectations and should-be’s.

And that’s when it hit me…

Some changes do require time… consistency… practice and processing to really take hold in life and become part of a whole new version of myself. But other things just are. They are what they are, they fall right into place… and when I know, I know. I can trust myself. I can lean into joy. I can soar now, if I want to. I’m allowed to want to. (Wow!!)

I’ve been teasing my threshold for joy, finding the line and dancing on it… increasing my tolerance to this happy magic… letting the joy and the sadness play it out…

And it. is. EPIC!!!

It’s so much fun! And… being able to share this dance with someone who embodies joy like no one I’ve ever known is a beautiful gift I’m grateful to have experienced this past week.

It’s powerful to finally be at this point where I am content to be me all on my own, I could do it alone- in the isolation I created for myself, that I longed for for so long leading up to all of these big moves… and I trust myself.

But… for the first time, I don’t want to do it alone. I found something even more beautiful- and I’ve discovered in myself an independence that allows me to thrive alongside another, rather than in spite of or dependent on them.

That’s Magic Beyond Words.
I Treasure It.

This is a whole new chapter and I’m ready to dive into it with my wings spread wide. No more tiptoes, no more hovering just off the ground. I’m ready to fly. You coming?

Where’s your threshold for joy? Can you touch it, tease it into the light, and expand it just a tiny bit? Try it, and keep trying it. With grace for yourself, curiosity for what’s next, and a soft heart. What if you did?

Thanks for feeling into a part of my story with me today.
Sending you love from the edge of the world.

Jessica