The Benefit of the Doubt (Or is it something deeper?)

Hello you beautiful human, I’m so glad you’re joining me for another blog post.

Today, we’re going to talk about a little shift in perspective that I learned from one of my very best friends. We’ve been growing and learning from the time we were just little kids playing on an apartment playground, giggling (and ranting) about boys… to these past two years where both of us made some of our wildest dreams come true.

(Her big dream come true? 106 glorious acres in Idaho with her husband! Peep it on her IG @yokom_acres. And mine? Moving to the edge of the world, of course. If you don’t have me on IG, you can see some forest/ocean/RV life goodness here!)

But we’re not talking about huge dreams coming true here- today we’re talking about a simple, every-day, who-we-choose-to-be, perspective that I watched Edith live out without so naturally for years, while I wondered at how she did it… and aspired to be more like that.

The thing?
Loving people where they are.

It’s accepting. Peaceful presence with others. Releasing judgment, in a way.

But also… it’s more like… releasing expectations.

See, I grew up on Disney movies (you know, the ones where there’s a good guy and a bad guy and the good guy is totally innocent all the time, and the bad guys are gleeful about being jerks)… and I also grew up in a dysfunctional and often abusive household (more good guys and bad guys, as I saw it before I learned how to love addicts). And then, at 17, I found myself an unofficial foster home with a “good” family who was Catholic, while becoming Catholic myself. So for the first 18 years of my life, I had a lot of evidence that there was black and white. People were either good and loving and kind and not-strangers and safe to talk to, or they were bad, abusive, toxic, and certainly had intentions to harm me.

But my beloved friend was different, and I found her endlessly inspiring.

Where I Was Scared, Timid, Or Guarded,
She Was Curious, Friendly, And She Just Had This Air Of “Man, Life! I Know How It Is.”

It was like this natural confidence that people weren’t out to hurt her- and call me a trauma survivor, but I thought that confidence was pure magic. She had the most naturally epic boundaries AND she was open and able to accept people where they were. I was in awe. Constantly! And I wanted some of that vibe myself. I remember literally asking her one time, “How are you so CHILL all the time? I want to be like that, teach me the way.” And she laughed saying something about not taking it all so personally. (Spoiler alert: I didn’t know how to do that either! lol)

At 17, I’d Started Removing All The “Toxic” People From My Life, And By The Time I Was Finished Around Age 20, There Wasn’t Really Anyone Left. #Oops?

And then? With my life pretty well emptied of other humans… it was hard to let people in…

I’d click with someone and think I’d made a new friend, and then I’d find out they party a lot (a lot of the issues in my childhood were alcohol-induced, so I had a real issue with drinking for a long time), or they were in the kind of relationship where they had to ask their partner for permission to do stuff, or they didn’t like animals (I still don’t trust people who don’t like animals- like HOW? hahaha). It’d throw up a red flag for me like “ope, this person doesn’t have their shit together, this is going to end badly. Time for me to leave.”

Or I’d hang out with a family member I didn’t know very well yet (that happens when your parents are addicts, y’know? People tend to back off because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped- but that’s another post), and I’d be so excited to get a feel for a more functional, healthy lifestyle… and then there would be some gossip or blantantly judgmental talk - and my brain would immediately label them a Bad Guy in the story of my life. And off I’d go on my own again, certain I needed to protect myself from this person too.

I Felt Like This With Everyone Except For Edith-
Aka The Queen Of Chill & Functional.

With her, I could relax. I never felt like I needed to have my guard up or worry about getting into trouble around here. We were just being humans, you know? She’d hang out with people very much not in my usual (er, non-existent) crowd- and I’d feel safe and have a good enough time. I didn’t feel judgy or apprehensive or find myself looking for clues about whether they were good or bad people. I didn’t need labels. I felt human- and when she’d tell me stories about her days, just casually chatting, y’know? Sometimes I’d just be in awe of the adventures she’d gone on and I’d note that those are adventures I dream of that are totally doable… that I’d be doing if I had some sort of social life with good friends and a lil inner circle.

When we’d talk, there was never black and white. There was just Human. Misfortune. Adventure. Victory. Life felt like just an epic tale, you know? Even if bad things happened, that was just how life was, and you get back up and carry on. No need to dwell on it- just learn and grow. Thank you, next vibes all the way.

So, last night, I was flipping through all of my journals since March 2017- when I started journaling really consistently- and I noticed in the beginning of the very first one, I mentioned wishing I could be more open and chill, giving people the benefit of the doubt like I always admired Edith doing. Having real, human, down-to-earth friends and removing this heavy expectation I had for people to be perfect.

And that’s when I realized: I've become that person!

I’ve found my chill (and also grown up enough to realize functionality is very relative and we’re all a lil hung up on something at some point in our lives).

And It Was More Than Just The Benefit Of The Doubt Or Being Easygoing.
It Was Genuine Compassion.

Active, living love was the key. It wasn’t so much that I was being judgmental (I mean, kinda, but really I was trying to protect myself not trying to label others or be better than anyone. I just didn’t want to be hurt again, it was fear helping me choose what was safe after all of the abuse and trauma in my life up to that point.)

Here’s What Learning This Lesson Has Done In My Life:

Today I am friends with so many wonderful people all around the world, I run a business that literally runs on vulnerability and compassion and human connection, and I’ve learned that in sharing our flaws, our vices, our instability, our fears… we create a bond that is so beautiful, powerful, and unexpectedly safe. We connect to our core when we’re able to be deeply vulnerable… and to see others without harsh judgment or expectation.

Learning this lesson helped me to not only forgive, but to become very close with my mom. It helped me to forgive and heal within my marriage. It helped me to make friends and to be happier and kinder myself. It’s helping to heal my relationship with my dad- and easing the pain I’ve been feeling since missing him.

And I think having to take Prednisone last summer, and the torturous emotional and physical roller coaster that was, also helped me to have a measure of grace and compassion for myself and for others through anger, outbursts, panic, and spiraling out of control. I don’t feel so naive these days, trusting and being vulnerable, because I know very well that people can be cruel- I know that there are behaviors that are clear red flags for me to steer clear of or, if I must approach, to take precautions and be mindful around. But at the same time? I am so much more aware now that we’re all just doing our best. We’re doing what we can to survive, and ultimately, being a little vulnerable and opening up to adventure and compassion is worth any pain that comes from it. I don’t believe it could possibly be worse than the bitter cold, numb, urgent feeling of nothing-matters that comes with victorious isolation from anyone “bad.”

This realization brought me full-circle to something I learned while writing a life-changing essay in my junior year of high school:

We’ve all got a little monster in us, and we also each have a loving core.

To show someone the benefit of the doubt, to recognize that- even if what was done to you wasn’t right or fair- what others do is almost always exactly what they feel they MUST do to survive. And in recognizing that, forgiveness and friendship form much easier, I think.

Have a beautiful week. I hope this helped.

With love,

Jessica

P.S. If you want to read a little more about this concept of the lil monsters we all have inside (and love prevailing), you might enjoy this article: Seventy Times Seven Times.