Nurturing a Peaceful Heart | Learning to Receive Love
“You Cannot Force Yourself To Forgive, Forgiveness Is The Fruit Of Looking Deeply. When You Look Deeply And Come To Understand, Release Will Come Naturally.”
- paraphrased from Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh
Morning reflections after a rough day…
Yesterday, I was angry with a social media client who I felt spoke to me with the intention to plant shame in my mind and question my integrity. I responded with intolerance, remembering how I’ve been working on clear boundaries and not accepting abuse any longer in my life.
But Today? I Don’t Want To Face The Situation…
because I don’t feel I acted with integrity in alignment with my loving core in the way I responded to her. I have this dark pit in my stomach I’d rather not acknowledge. I feel ashamed and disappointed, hurt, and uncertain.
I realize today that I responded from intolerance- from a fear of being abused- rather than from my loving core. I could have set the same boundary with integrity to my loving core, had I taken the time to ground myself and know where my actions were coming from (a space of fear, or a space of love).
While This Particular Situation Is New To Me,
The Concept Isn’t.
I realize I do this often- self-sabotage has been my specialty these past couple years and I think it’s the root of a lot of suffering in my life.
When I look deeper, I wonder if this is the same energy that prevents me from opening up to receive love and allow it to flow through me.
It’s easy to receive love when I feel like I deserve it. When I’m warm and peaceful and cheerful and kind and patient. It’s when I need love the most that I throw up walls against it. When I’ve been angry, impatient, or quick to judge- especially if this was reflected in an outward way that created any small or great amount of suffering in someone else’s life.
When I refuse myself the same grace and compassion I hold for others, I become the painful intolerance I hope to ease in this world. I need to embrace that even when I’ve made a mistake or fallen into anger, loving kindness and compassion are the ways to get through it. Not isolation as punishment.
When I Host Wars In My Own Heart…
…I waste precious moments of love and healing- and I am no better for my self-infliected punishment. Instead? I want to have the discipline and grace to look deeply into my own heart and understand. I want to respond by sending loving kindness to myself, rather than charging forward with a battle cry.
I know this is the only way to create peace in my heart- and I cannot bring peace to my family, my community, or the world until I am willing to live it in myself. I turn 24 tomorrow and I’ve set the intention that the purpose of this year of my life will be to make space in my life and my heart. To me, this means practicing daily routines and rituals that strengthen my presence and discipline- helping me to more fully embody gracious mindfulness and live more deeply and consistently from my loving core.
I Want To See That There Is No Push-And-Pull In Life.
No feeling torn between decisions. The reality is that I have the choice to think, breathe, and live from a space of love, or not. And when I can see that, there is no push and pull. There is only the truth- because I would not consciously choose what is not love, there is no real choice. Just the obvious answer.
I don’t know how to open up to receiving love when I feel I don’t deserve it- when I’ve been angry and spiteful or harsh… but this seems like a wise place to begin.
So with this in my heart, I’m moving forward with today. 24 begins tomorrow, but I’ll start today. A delightful friend and mentor taught me that making space for tomorrow starts the night before- so I have decided to no longer be the kind of person who puts it off till morning, till Monday, till the New Year. I’ll start now.
