What I didn't understand about words as a writer and lover...

I got to thinking about something a little different today (this might have something to do with my recent commitment to opening up to joy in my everyday life), and I think you’re going to like it… Even if you aren’t a writer.

People tell me all the time that they love to read what I write, even if they usually hate reading. I’m always shocked and moved by that. If you’re one of those people who hates reading and still reads my work, wow. Thank you. I know when I don’t like something, it’s like pulling teeth trying to convince me to sit down and give it a chance- I appreciate that you’ve given me the chance to share with you in my own way. Today, I think you’ll find a little insight as to what makes my writing work for you- if you’ve been wondering.

One Of The Most Popular Posts I’ve Ever Written Is About Feeling Torn About A Decision, And How To Figure It Out.

But it’s kind of ironic because I feel torn ALL. THE. TIME.

Or at least, I did before I started this little experiment of allowing joy into my life- I’ll get back to you on how that changes things as the shift really sinks in. But what really blows my mind is that, even though I am constantly feeling torn between decisions, I’m actually pretty quick to resolve the conflict and move forward with a choice… What I shared in that blog post is my actual process, and it seems to work for a lot of others. I guess the end-goal isn’t necessarily to feel 100% about every choice we ever make, but instead to simply be confident in our ability to take the next step.

There’s one area of my life that I’m always feeling torn in: love.

I don’t like to talk about my relationship as openly as my own personal experiences because it obviously involves other people, but the more I open up and share about what I’m going through, the more I realize there’s power in that sharing. (I learn this from you, my readers who take the time to reach out and tell me so. Thank you for that.)

The short and sweet of it is: I didn’t grow up around healthy relationships, as a kid I saw a lot of abuse and dysfunction from the adult couples in my life… and my husband had a similar situation, so when we got married at 18, we didn’t have a whole lot to go off of. We knew what we didn’t want to be like, but didn’t have clarity on what the alternative was. And real honesty and thoughtfulness? Yeah, we didn’t witness a lot of that.

We Started Dating At 14 Years Old, And It’s Coming Up On Our 10th Anniversary In February…

And let me tell you, that realization has rocked my world. 2020 feels like such a big year. 24 feels like such a big year. 10 years feels like such a milestone… and all of the reflecting has been crashing over me for months. I’m seeing myself transform and seeing changes in my life I never dreamed of… I’m doing things I never even thought to dream up for my life! And yet… I’m in the same relationship I was in 10 years ago, with a lot of the same problems.

I’ve felt torn about how to heal it, whether it could be healed, and if I wanted to heal it for years…

And for the most part, I struggled in silence. Two or three people close to me have heard the back-and-forth on repeat for years, but unlike every other conflict in my life, this is one area I just haven’t been able to make a decision about. I can talk in one direction and feel so certain, and then in a single moment my mind can turn completely opposite. It’s maddening. Like, literally. I make myself crazy in this spiral.

But I’ve Been Much More Intentional In The Way I Live My Life Lately,
Learning To Allow My Light To Shine And Honor What’s Right For Me…

(Even when that is scary.)

And this brought me to a realization about words that made the decision so much easier… What I finally came to understand is that people aren’t capable of saying what they mean to others if they can’t be honest with themselves first. Yeah yeah, I know that’s obvious, but I’ve thought people who loved me were always honest and had the best intentions. Always. I believed that with my whole heart. Honesty and good intentions are a kinda important aspect of love, don’t you think? (Any love, not just romantic relationships.)

What Finally Woke Me Up Was Seeing What Love Looks Like In Motion!
Not Just In Words, Not In Short-Lived Adjustments… But Consistently In Action.

In witnessing that, I could see how living love fit into the dreams I have and the kind of person I want to be in the world, and how giving words too much weight was making me sick. The decision suddenly didn’t feel so split… because I stopped feeling like I owed the beautiful words a piece of my heart, and allowed myself to instead see the actions.

That wasn’t easy for me to embrace, at first. I have a lot of respect for words, I can’t picture not being mindful of how I use them… but I’m not judging. I’m blessed to have some really wonderful people in my world who can’t be bothered with the art of language- and I’m enjoying learning how other people see things differently than I do! That is such a gift.

I Adore Language And The Flutter And Fury Behind A String Of Simple Words.
You Can Touch People So Deeply With The Right Words, Said In Honesty.

But… beautiful words and what you see on paper will never compare to loving action… to experiencing the embodiment of the words being said. Part of me still believes people speak with honest intentions… I just don’t think people realize that a beautiful lie hurts just as much as an ugly truth.

For me, I’d rather be honest and know that I can trust the words in front of me. I want to be surrounded by people I can count on to be mindful of their words and the truth behind them. Life is so much more simple that way. Not having to keep track of stories or switch masks for different crowds or feign an effort to live up to an expectation set by false words of assurance… There’s a lot to be said for fully living and speaking your truth. That takes courage, and I am grateful to know so many people who can do that. I hope that I always have the strength to be that person myself.

When it comes to decisions and words moving forward, I’m going to listen to the action backing words and not just at the words being said. I have a feeling this will spare me a little bit of heartache in the future, and it just might make for the most incredible friendships, too.

When it comes to love and writing, I hope you have the strength to choose honesty… I hope you create the peace you deserve… and I hope you’re not ashamed of who you’ve been if you’re working on honesty in your own world. What matters is who you choose to be now. The present is yours. Spread your wings.

Written for you with love,

Jessica