Looking Up the Mountain of my Dreams | Approaching the Top
A special sort of magic started unfolding for me when I began the journey to embracing myself as I was.
I Found Freedom In The Acceptance Of Who And Where I Was In Life.
From That Freedom, My Dreams Were Born Into Reality.
It sounds like some fantasy manifestation story… but it’s not just that. I’ve never been one to just share the highlight reel. Things were tough on the path from anxious insecurity and constant desperation, living as unnoticed and quietly as possible for fear of causing any inconvenience to others… to this space now of living more and more brilliantly every day, in bright color and uninhibited joy.
Today, I want to share with you the feeling of being just shy of the mountain top of my grandest vision for the life I hope to live and the impact I intend to leave behind.
I spend my days exploring the magical Oregon coast, where I now live, and dreaming up tropical destinations and sunshine where I once craved only solitude and the safe protective cover of clouds. I still love this magical Pacific coast forest, it’s a treasure of an experience to heal my soul and soothe the wounds and scars of my past. This has been exactly the healing and adventure I craved all my life.
And… I’m learning that to deeply honor the loving core of my own soul and live gently in this world, following my desire to leave it better than when I found it to the best of my ability, I don’t have to live a life of passive deprivation.
I’m Finding That As Old Wounds Are Cleaned And Sealed Up In Gentle Cicatrices, My Instinct Is No Longer To Recoil From Life.
Instead, I’m finding myself eager to jump in! Things are unfolding like never before - and the impostor syndrome that I dragged alongside me throughout this creative and courageous journey is finally fading to dust.
Once torn between every decision I could make, overthinking and over-punishing myself for every choices under the sun and always finding fault in my own intentions, today I show myself grace and compassion.
I see a bigger picture now; in this one, I’m as human as everyone else. I give myself the breaks AND the love I once expected and craved from others.
In this new picture, I can giggle at the ways my mind will spin a complex problem out of even the most simple of thoughts. I can breathe, exhale the worries around the outcome, and find myself lit up about the possibilities and options I see. It’s no longer a conflict.
Three Years Ago, I Had So Many Ideas… But I Was Afraid.
In 2017, I was afraid of what people would think, if I was qualified to be an entrepreneur or author, if my writing was even any good, if people would take me seriously with my eternal babyface and general giggly nature. I was afraid I couldn’t stick to anything I tried to commit to. I thought I was a total flake. Unreliable, unpredictable, not worth much to society… and I thought that making myself into a more “perfect woman” and respectable member of society might just kill me. (Seriously. I tried that path with the marriage, the college degree, the 9-5 with weekends and holidays off. It was actually soul-sucking for me.)
From the frustration of that time, desperate for a way out of the system I hated, I committed to one of the first and biggest steps of my life. I took this massive leap toward making my dreams come true and learning to believe in myself - and, like most impactful decisions, it seemed really simple and almost silly at the time.
The commitment?
Agreeing with myself that I would do the dishes every single day for 6 months - because back then, I’d been so used to living in scarcity and chaos that I didn’t believe it was actually possible to commit to doing anything every. single. day. That sounded impossible, so I gave myself a low-stakes way to build some confidence and stability in my habits.
I’m writing this in August of 2020
and I’m not scared anymore.
Ironically, I think 2020 has been the most collectively terrifying year the world as a whole has seen in my 24 years of life. We started out with massive fires across Australia, and those are long-gone memories since COVID-19 caused global shutdowns. Add to that the impending crashing of the economy, Yemen in what may be the greatest humanitarian crisis in human history, Donald Trump running for re-election and trying to use the pandemic as an excuse to delay the election (and this just in - against Joe Biden who, rumor has it - though I’ve yet to investigate through reliable sources - has been caught with young children), and let’s not forget the random explosions happening around the world right now. Oh, and then there’s the horror that is ICE and what is happening to detained immigrants in U.S. detention centers - children going missing, deaths from the pandemic, horrendous and abusive living conditions… Black people continuing to be killed and brutalized by the police - and the new uproaring of the #BlackLivesMatter movement… Would you believe I’m still not even covering everything that’s going on this year? And it’s only August!
And yet… I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid to be myself, I’m not afraid of conflict and confrontation. I’m not afraid to speak up, to listen, to educate myself in areas that are uncomfortable at best… I don’t avoid left turns when I’m driving, I speak up if someone does something that hurts me or makes me uncomfortable. I trust myself in a way I never even dreamed possible. I no longer over-pour into my relationships and cause my cup to be empty of anything but resentment.
I’ve learned to use this little voice of mine. I’ve learned that, in the words of Sara Bareilles:
“Sometimes A Little Voice Can Say The Biggest Things.
It’s Just My Little Voice That I’ve Been Missing.”
(I heard this song for the first time last week, and it gave me chills. All this time, it was just my little voice that I’d been missing. Wow.)
It’s difficult to share all of this - and I’ve actually been putting off writing this message because, while these I-am-worthy stories are growing and unfolding in my mind and heart more every day, there’s still a surreal element to the story.
It’s hard to believe life could have always been just this good.
Life could have always flowed this naturally, this easily, that I could have felt so consistently calm and at peace, naturally able to detach from immediate outcomes and feel into the bigger picture of what really matters to me as a human, as an artist, as a woman, and then as a lover, friend, sister, and daughter. It feels like taking a compliment from my hero, when I see the joy and support and kindness in the eyes of the ones who have loved me the most through every step of my journey. I see the relief in their posture and the ease of their breathing knowing that I am finally at peace in myself. I’ve been so deeply loved, protected, and supported by such incredible people.
It’s strange now to see it all coming to fruition. It’s even stranger to know that it’s time to pass it on, and to recognize that I feel truly ready to do that.
There’s No Whisper Of Doubt,
It’s Just Time.
Thank you for being here.
I’m wishing this revelation, freedom, lightness, and pure serendipity to you in your endeavors, and I know you’ll get there too. Remember that there is freedom in acceptance, and keep going.
Love,
Jessica
