Romanticizing Financial Stability

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a financial rut, looking back over lists and plans and goals you wrote out months (or even years) ago and wonder how you’re still in this position? Well, me too. (If you couldn’t guess.)

I’ve tried “everything” to get my money under control…

And here I am trying, yet again. I thought I’d take a moment to share my process with you, in case it helps you to know you’re not alone in it — and to have some unconventional inspiration to apply to your own journey. Sound good?

Here are some of the things I’ve tried to help myself learn to manage money better…

Hundreds of hours of Dave Ramsey indoctrination (my dad gave me the entire CD series when I was in high-school, trying to save me from the paycheck-to-paycheck life he lived), studying finance basics with a (very traditional and financially successful) foster family when I was 17, reading every Dave Ramsey book that came my way from well-meaning mentors (and asking all sorts of specific questions and taking notes on their advice) during college, and constantly studying my notes from a personal finance class I eagerly signed up for my freshman year.

I’ve always tried to keep a budget and live below my means. I’ve tried to save. I’ve used envelopes, had separate accounts (even keeping my savings in an entirely different bank account to make it harder to access).

I got the shiny bachelor’s degree in a practical area with massive growth potential and an abundance of traditional career options.

I’ve read You Are a Badass At Making Money more times than I can count; I’ve done all the prompts. I’ve had the tough conversations. I’ve looked at money patterns in my family and tracked my weak points and repaired leaks.

I’ve worked with money coaches. I’ve taken classes. I’ve worked with financial advisors.

I started a business and learned how to earn a substantial income working from anywhere I wanted! I worked on my money mindset, hired coaches, and got an accountant.

I’ve journaled and set SMART goals and scheduled all the things.

But somehow, even though I make steady progress for short periods of time, I always seem to end up finding a new financial rock bottom.

I get sick, or the dark side of my mind runs away with me, and by the time I’m back in the driver’s seat, all of my hard work is gone and I’m starting over again.

I’m not saying this for pity or to wallow, I’m saying it because I know it’s something taboo to admit and talk about — and I am so profoundly sick of feeling alone in it when I know full well that so. many. people. have similar experiences as I do when it comes to money.

One thing that is different this time is that I’m being more honest in admitting money is important to me.

I like to say money doesn’t matter to me. To an extent, it’s true. Money isn’t important enough to keep me signed up for a job 40 hours per week or to keep me in an unpleasant relationship when the alternative might be living in my car while I get back on my feet. I’m never in things for the money.

But I hate being broke, too. (Who doesn’t?)

As I get closer to my 30s, it’s starting to become alarming how important money is, and how obvious and shameful it feels when I don’t have any.

I feel like I am approaching the point in my life where it’s no longer fun or cute or free-spirited to be broke… to take life in whims and fancies… because as much as I admire people who are lifelong travelers and find ways to barter and contribute beyond the world of money, I also know that’s not really my path.

I’m admitting to myself that financial peace is a key aspect of the person I aspire to be.

I’m a caring person. As in, caring for and sharing and connecting with others fuels me. It genuinely lights me up.

For most of my life thus far, I’ve believed that meant I was supposed to be a mother… but more recently, I’ve realized some of my most wonderful and fulfilling moments in life have been opportunities to be a hostess or a helpful companion through a difficult time. There are more ways to be a caring person than to raise a human. That’s been an inspiring thought lately.

Money isn’t exactly what matters, but money does buy you time in the society we live in… Time and energy. And those are very important to me. Being intentional with my time and energy is something I think about and try to build into my life in systems and routines daily.

This time, I recognize that the past isn’t a tragic failure. It’s full of lessons that will help me succeed.

As I look at my financial situation, my romantic life, my career, my community, and my mental and physical state of being, I see significant damages done from emotional instability, insecurity, desperation, impatience, and distraction…

And I realize I cannot be the woman I am striving to be if I am constantly in a state of immaturity, starvation, or chaos. A little chaos can be magic, but too much of it is toxic — and I’ve most certainly had more than I can safely tolerate.

So… It’s time for a change.

Not just time because I should or because it’s embarassing or because I really want a latte or a very specific random trip hundreds of miles in an impractical direction... but because I’m sick… and I’m tired. And I’ve never heard of a gracious hostess, joyful woman, and powerful storyteller who was actively sick and tired of being sick and tired. Who I’m being doesn’t fit the life I’m building; do you understand what I mean?

With all of this in mind, I’ve created a plan.

I know I know what I need to do. (We usually do, don’t you think?)

The books and lessons, the journals, and the common sense is all there. Learning more would just be a distraction from the action, at this point. If you’ve read this far, I’m guessing you can relate. So, let me share with you what I intend to do, in the hopes that it offers you some hope and inspiration for your own journey and so that we can walk this path, which hopefully leads to financial freedom, in good company.

Along with all of the things I’ve tried that traditionally come recommended to someone in financial turmoil…

I’ve also had time to explore lots of different aspects of myself and to experience being me in different situations, environments, relationships, and degrees of wellness. I know what’s important to me, not just for dopamine, but for invoking the most helpful and healthful aspects of myself when it comes to bringing this sort of vision to life.

Because I have tried a lot of different things and wound up back in the same spot, I’ve had the opportunity to observe obstacles in my way to success and catch on to patterns that I can plan ahead for this time around.

For instance, I know that I have a strong tendency to toss aside all of my priorities, goals, and dreams when I find myself in love with a man.

I also know that, thus far, no man has been sufficient to fill my life and make me happy. (And that sounds horrid, I wouldn’t genuinely want that anyway. I can’t stand this quality in myself, but I am aware of it and I think that’s the first step. Anyway, back to the point…)

I also know that when my relationships come to an end, I have so little of myself and my life left that I tend to wish not to have a life at all… and this is something I absolutely never want to see myself fall to, ever again. Not only is it poisonous and disgusting for others to witness, but I also lose so much respect for myself when I reach that point yet another time.

I’ve learned that committing to my goals in finance, friendship, community, and confidence cannot be traded for commitment to a relationship… and also that I am not yet someone who can be trusted to balance the rest of my life while there is a romantic interest in it…

So, while this may not be your business, I do believe it will inspire a level of honesty and clarity in your own planning to witness this vulnerable example from my own life:

One aspect of my plan this time around is not indulging in all-consuming romantic relationships. Not pursuing romance at the expense of any of my goals.

To help myself with this, I wrote out a list of key components of the life I’d like to create, and noticed that the loving relationship I want to have is only one of many, many dreams I have. It shouldn’t get the energy I would give to the entire rest of my life. I don’t expect myself to be perfect in this area, and I’m not going to say I won’t fall in love (can’t go tempting Murphy like that now, can we? And hell, I’m might even be in love right now…) but I am making a commitment to myself that I will not abandon my life for a relationship again.

The times when I didn’t have a love interest were the best, healthiest, most productive times — times when my wealth and happiness expanded exponentially each month! I am eager to learn from that and see how things might go differently this time, with this support in place to help me succeed at my goal.

But lovers aren’t the only problem.

I also know that inspiration, a sense of freedom, and a view of myself which allows me to feel proud of who I am are key elements to my willingness and likelihood of sticking to any plan. If I don’t plan for some level of aesthetic pleasantry, I will abandon the plan for prettier things every. single. time.

I used to think that was something to overcome, but I’ve realized I actually very much enjoy that aspect of my personality. I make everything around me warmer, brighter, and more beautiful because I don’t settle for dusty, ugly, or mundane. I love to bring in little joys and bits of interest… Something as simple as fairy lights, a scent that makes the space feel more like home, pictures that ignite the primary emotion the room intends (green for serene, orange or red for active, blue for motivated calm, yellow for relaxing joyfulness, etc) — these details inspire me to lean in to a moment, instead of looking for escapes and distractions.

Everything I’ve learned says that the key to financial peace involves a simple plan, patience, consistency, and self-discipline.

This time I’m accommodating myself with compassion and consideration.

My natural comfort with chaos (obviously stemming from a complicated home life since childhood) directly threatens goals that rely on being still and calm. My cycles through mood disorders, codependency, and life with a chronic illness make my comfortable state of chaos all to easy to access, justify, and continue to rest in.

I know that learning to better regulate my emotions, create and uphold healthy boundaries in all of my relationships (including letting the right people in and allowing myself to grow closer in a community), and managing impulsivity and this “addiction to chaos,” as I’ve taken to calling it, are all really important areas of personal development for me. But I also know that I don’t have to wait to improve my financial situation until I’ve reached some arbitrary goal of self-improvement — and I know that accommodating these weaknesses in this particular aspect of my life will not prevent me from being able to continue to work on them.

(I think that’s important to say, because there have been quite a few times in my life when I thought that I had to be different than I was in order to even get started, and usually that’s simply not the case. Start imperfect and adjust as you learn better along the way.)

Here’s a little swipe-worthy recap of what I’m doing next to improve my financial situation. You can use it to make your own plan!

1. Be courageously honest with yourself about your current situation.
   I’ve gotten really honest with the situation my finances are in and how they got here.
   
   I did sit down with bank statements and all of that. 10/10 highly recommend. But this also looked like grabbing a journal and some money-reflection prompts or a friend or financial advisor and really looking at why I’ve made some of the decisions I’ve made financially. Getting to know my habits, weaknesses, flawed thinking, kryptonite, etc.
   
   

2. Be even more courageously honest with yourself about what you really care about.
   I’ve taken time to get clear on what really matters to me. I’ve mapped out the connection between money and my greater vision, purpose, and intentions for my life.
   
   This also involved writing out a reasonably definitive list of the life I am committed to creating for myself and putting realistic price tags on each item. Creating a realistic budget for where I currently am, and then another including items critical for the life I’d like to build. I also had fun playing with spreadsheets and calculating potential ways of generating income.
   
   I’ll never be a 9-5 gal, so understanding where my income will really come from and giving myself reasons to commit and follow through with that is obviously key!
   
   

3. Learn from your mistakes.
   I’ve reflected on past attempts, analyzed the results (“failures”), and identified repeated obstacles to success.
   
   This is a good one to grab that brutally honest friend, sister, or parent for. They’ll help you put your less ideal behaviors into perspective and be really honest about when you’re selling yourself short in life.
   
   

4. Design a you-proof plan.
   I’ve created a new plan, this time accommodating weaknesses and building bridges across obstacles of the past.
   
   This is a budget, yes. But for me, it also meant creating a system to keep myself interested.
   
   There are lots of resources out there for following a budget with ADHD (search in Pinterest), resources for entrepreneurs to track variable incomes and expenses, etc. I also gathered mantras, prompts, and even a list of quotes from badass fantasy characters to remind myself how aesthetically pleasing and awesome it is to be financially responsible and become someone who is independently “well off.”
   
   

5. Set yourself up for success.
   I’ve set place markers with rewards and celebrations to keep myself going, and reached out as appropriate for accountability.
   
   Accountability might look like a public post sharing your goal, a spreadsheet and a reminder on your calendar to check and update it regularly, money management apps, a friend or family member. Think about what keeps you working at something, and find a way to incorporate it into your plan! Be sure to actually schedule certain mile markers or celebrations — if a project isn’t rewarding, you probably won’t keep at it.

I’ll keep you posted with major developments along the way, for accountability and to help anyone who might be reading this and trying to make their own way through seemingly unsolvable illogical financial muck. You’re not alone, and you’re not hopeless. You can do this, and it’s okay to do it in your own way.

Warmest regards from the Oregon coast.

Vera Lee Bird

P.S. If you’ve found this helpful or relatable, please take some time to reach out and let me know. I’m learning more about my readers every day and I would love to hear from you.