Unsolicited Vulnerability | “The Devil’s in the Details”

December, at last.

The time for reflections, tying up loose ends, and perhaps the home stretch of some of the most important goals of the year… or, for many in the case of 2020, a time for grieving all the life that went unlived - or lived much differently than hoped and planned for.

This Pandemic Didn’t Cost Me Much Thus Far, Honestly.

It cost me all of the clients in my service-based business, initially, but I was able to pivot and turn that 1:1 service into a 1:many educational product for creative entrepreneurs and not only stay afloat, but pull my many projects and goals together into an even more cohesive lifestyle that allows me to live more fully in my strengths and in alignment with my values. There were some really tough low points along the way (and I’m not out of the woods yet), but overall I can already see the incredible good that has come from this shaking of my whole world.

Reclaiming my freedom and expression in every area of my life is what 2020 has been.

I feel as if I’ve been stripped down to the bare bones of who I am… raw and missing any superficial layers of protection and numbness. I’ve spoken up to my elders in the face of injustice and hypocrisy, even though it was scary and at the risk of it ruining relationships that may have been standing on pillars of self-denial and betraying silence.

I’ve walked away from my family, once again.

This time even breaking the marriage vows I’d spent my entire life saying I’d never break once I made them. I’ve said goodbye to my precious fur babies and the most beautiful land I’d ever seen, leaving behind what my heart once called home to leap into the unknown.

In 2019, I moved from the only home I’d ever known (Idaho) off to what felt like the edge of the world (the Oregon coast). And in 2020, I left the western United States altogether, finding myself ending the year on the gulf coast of Florida… with plans for a new continent (and language) as soon as COVID restrictions lift.

Do You Ever Have To Try Not To Think About What Your Childhood Self Might Think If She Could See You Today?

I’ve been wondering about that myself… mostly because that childhood version of me seemed so sweet and wise. She was gentle and patient and could hold space for the greatest beasts of men without flinching. Today, it seems like everything makes me shake in my boots a little bit. I notice so much strength, and it really shocks me when I can zoom out in the story of my life to see just how much I’ve grown - but in the daily pictures… I don’t feel like steel. In Florence, I was the mother of dragons. Nothing could stop me. I felt strong, grounded, calm. I knew who I was to my core.

Now, without my fur babies and the sense of complacent pride that comes with honoring a marriage vow, rebelliously as I may have done it, both stripped away, I find myself alone in a world that is much bigger than I ever imagined (and still growing). I don’t have the old ties and obligations I used to keep myself busy in the past.

I cried into my morning cup of coffee over missing my little sister this morning.

What kind of Khaleesi would do that?

It feels as if I have made precious vulnerability my gift to the world and myself all these years…

And now that I’ve seen more and known more people, I’m finding it scarier, harder to be so vulnerable… and it’s crushing to notice that those who have so happily shared in my most gentle and exposed moments aren’t interested in being vulnerable as well.

What is this all for if it doesn’t inspire those who love me most deeply to live the most full life they possibly can?

Why am I sharing what I know I will be judged, shamed, and rejected over by most of the world - if even those dearest to me would push me to hush it all up and keep it to myself? To sort and filter and suppress, just like the world has always asked us all to do? They wish for me to continue taking bites of the poison I’ve set out to vanquish from my life… and they diminish the light of my courage and heart by allowing their fear to bleed out onto me.

I read these words and think it all sounds just a little narcissistic, and then I remember that that’s what we tell ourselves to keep small and quiet and not form opinions that are too loud or that make others uncomfortable. Reclaiming my language, my feelings, my existence… I am rewilding. Seizing the opportunity to share a new philosophy and beautifully deep and strong way of living is what drives me… and there are others like me. I feel alone when I can’t see them, and I think they will feel less alone themselves for having been allowed to see what it is I share.

So I will keep going…

Even If It All Feels Like Betrayal From The Ones I Crave Love And Understanding From Most Deeply…

Feelings are not fact… but they make a powerful compass sometimes. There’s a balance there that I might one day get the hang of. In the meantime, I’m not sure what all of the vulnerability for on some days…

But that fire in my core tells me this is the way for me and to carry on and stay strong in my faith.

And when I really think about it, it’s not those most dear to me or those who love me most who have tried to lock me back up since finding my freedom - those people are encouraging me, sharing that they are proud and sending me strength and love. The ones who are trying to shut me back up are the ones I was taught to trust and look up to - the ones our culture says to revere and rely on. “Nothing is more important than family,” they say.

It reminds me of the privilege of having a chosen family, more so than blood.
Taylor Swift speaks to me again, ever a step ahead of me in her own journey, with these verses in Peace (maybe they’ll serve you, too):

Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other
Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother
Is it enough?

But there's robbers to the east, clowns to the west
I'll give you my sunshine, give you my best
But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me

But I'm a fire, and I'll keep your brittle heart warm
If your cascade ocean wave blues come
All these people think love's for show
But I would die for you in secret
The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

My sister reminded me this morning that all of the best things in life are slow-cooked.

That includes healing, freedom, and peace.

Your slow-cooked magic is worth waiting for.