Spring 2024

Shoot in Elmira, OR

The past year and a half has been the most difficult, ugly, painful, and frustrating time in my life. I’ve struggled with finances, abuse, multiple physical and mental health issues, self-doubt, and grief.

And… the past six months have also been some of the most significantly healing times in my life. Leaving the abuse to go live out of my car — then sleeping on couches, all the while going to therapy from my phone every week trying to heal the root of what keeps landing me back in these situations… bringing home a puppy (who has absolutely saved my life, and who I also judge myself harshly for because it was such an irresponsible decision).

I went through a breakup in this place… and the loss of the relationship wasn’t the hard part.

The hard part was realizing I didn’t even like the guy as a person… That he wasn’t someone I’d be friends with. I’d made up a fantasy about someone I barely knew within hours of meeting him, and then dove in headfirst. Again.

Facing the reality of the person I thought I loved actually being almost entirely made up in my head turned my world upside down.

The end of that relationship pushed me to a place where I was finally able and willing to be completely honest with myself. I’m in a space now where I genuinely am not seeking out a partner, where my own joy, peace, healing, and getting-my-ducks-in-a-row-ing is the most important thing to me. I feel fulfilled and content with myself, and when I don’t, it’s my own self I want to turn to — that’s a really exciting change.

I’ve always replaced my partners quickly with someone new… It’s incredible feeling this breeze in my heart. There is so much space now where there was always something in the way before. I’m sure love will come around for me again, but right now, I’m focused on the woman in the mirror — and on girl friends, because now I understand how crucial female friendship is.

My time here was not even half rainbows and butterflies, but it definitely changed the course of my life. As hard as some of it was, most of it was really healing and beautiful in its own way. It was the experience that finally made it impossible for me to stay small and broken and desperate.

In this place, I learned to photograph (and came to love) flowers. I’ve always kinda disliked flowers, so that feels special. I watched deer and kittens and birds from the window when I couldn’t go outside, and I learned to identify my first few local birds by sight and sounds.

I let go of black-and-white thinking and started making friends with nuance and with colors (both in my thinking and in my external expressions).

With Daisy, I learned about patience and, honestly, about rage… The first few weeks with her were tough.

I learned to be the kind of person I want to be, even when I’m sleep deprived and overstimulated and not feeling well and stressed — because Daisy’s needs didn’t stop for anything! It took time… but I learned to love my least attractive sides and I got more confident in my ability to show up even when conditions weren’t the perfection I wished for.

The Concepts

  • Taking pictures of the flowers, watching nature, playing my ukulele, writing… I spent the majority of my time here all alone. I want to capture the memory.

  • This might not be possible, I don’t know. But I experienced so much pain here. I felt alone, I really hated myself. I pushed everyone away. I stared blankly all the time, I had pills and I plan. I felt like I had no options and I wanted to die. It was really, really dark.

  • Things started shifting when I began to focus on noticing and letting myself experience joy. It started with the flowers and the bees… It really blossomed when I brought Daisy home.

    When I left, I felt terrified. I had no idea what was coming next. The plan was to live out of my car in Newport where I had one friend and get back on my feet. I ended up staying on her couch and experiencing a mother’s love for the first time in decades… and I started to become my own person again. This time without any boys in the background.

  • I started doing things I never thought I could do when it came time to get back on my feet. After a few weeks of healing and mother’s love, I decided to take charge…

    I asked around for a room in Eugene and I started dancing at a club. My car was breaking down, I’ve been hospitalized within 2 weeks of every job I’ve started for the past 4 years now and with Daisy, I knew that wasn’t an option… and even if it was, I’ve been sued for my tax debt and now they’ll garnish my wages with any regular employer — which will make rent and replacing my car impossible.

    I set boundaries I can live with, decided to make the work an exercise in overcoming my lifelong fear of being watched, and started dedicating my practice and performance to the little girl in me who has always been afraid to dance and sing in public.

    In the past month, I’ve saved up enough to replace my car, pay and catch up on all of my bills, pay off some of my debt, and book this shoot!

Ideas for Shots and Props

  • Playing ukulele

  • Playing with Daisy

  • Journaling

  • The phone as a prop — seeking help / feeling so alone vibes

  • “I can’t do this!” (If it’s sunny and people are watching, I probably can’t act this out… but some professional encouragement might bring it out of me.)

  • Dance shoes / dollar bills in my dance bag or hidden under my jacket

  • Court Notice being served (if you’re bringing your lovely human, this could be an interesting one to re-enact. I might cry tbh)

Thank you for making such wonderful art with me! I can’t wait to see what comes of this adventure.

Final thoughts…

The place we're shooting is kind of like my own tangible representation of the comfort people find in chaos and toxic relationships when that's what they've grown up in. It's nostalgic and hazy and beautiful and addictive... but also full of uncertainty, doubt, and suffering.

I love Ron's property so much. It reminds me of all of the best parts of my childhood in Idaho and my rancher grandparents and the adults I once felt safe with... I feel strong and confident remembering how I held my own as a horse girl once upon a time and remembering the respect my cousins and sisters showed me -- that I'd earned!

(That respect from my cousins back in Idaho… That was such massive contrast with how my then-boyfriend was making me feel, constantly telling me that I made something out of nothing or imagined things that weren’t there or couldn’t take a joke… I tried to fit in with his family and was the butt of every joke, coughing while they vaped and smoked knowing it made me sick… And feeling my faith and pride in myself diminishing with every second I didn’t stand up and walk out of those rooms. Healing from all of this has meant looking in the mirror and owning up to the ways I’ve treated myself and failed to take care of my own needs… taking responsibility — finally realizing: there is no calvary. I am the calvary!)

But even with the crummy relationship, he had to be gone at work 40 hours per week, and how could I not romanticize a pasture full of wildflowers and gorgeous long grass, humming birds and macrame planters off a wooden porch, a grouchy old orange cat who owns the whole property, an old carpenter with an even older pipe and percolated coffee made with well water, and tree frogs croaking louder than tsunami sirens all night long?

The contrast between the idyllic property and the different experiences I had here alone vs in company makes me feel crazy sometimes. It's hard to remember already. I hope we can capture that somehow.

I think this shoot is giving me an opportunity to let go of some things I’m not meant to continue carrying...

Like when you take pictures of stuff so you can get rid of it but keep the memory of it safely tucked away in a box full of heirlooms, trinkets, and precious milestones to be visited from well-worn couches and dying beds some day far, far away.