A Step Beyond Kindness
Special thanks to Rachel Renee for capturing my love of the ocean.
2020 is a year of transformation if I’ve ever seen one. Not just for me, but for the world as a whole.
While I’ve gone through divorce, healed broken trust I created within myself, learned where I stand on the spectrum of addiction, and learned to let joy in and celebrate unexpected love in my own life… I’ve also found a deeper understanding of myself and others through the Covid-19 pandemic and a new level of humility, rage, self-reflection, and commitment to change through the amplified voices of the #BlackLivesMatter movement.
As a whole, we are learning to have more compassion, to be considerate of the weakest and most vulnerable.
This year, many of us are to check our privilege and use our power to create justice (not just equality or complacent non-racism, but active anti-racism) in our communities, country, and the world at large.
As waves of protests for George Floyd flooded my feed and I responded to the demand for justice and the reminders that “white silence is violence,” I started listening. I started really paying attention to and seeking out the active voices of the Black community sharing what they needed, what they have learned in this 400+ year movement for basic human rights and the freedoms and privileges I was given by my country at conception without question.
I read the frustrated posts of Black women, including several discussing “white fatigue” and why it’s another form of violence…
(Heads up: This next part might be a little hard to hear, but it’s important. So I ask that read this next bit knowing I’m writing it from a place of commitment to growth and doing better - I’m right there with you. There’s no use in shaming over what you’ve done, it’s much more useful to commit to doing better going forward. Read this knowing, whatever you have or haven’t done, you can start doing better right here and now, and that’s a hell of a lot better than sticking your head in the sand, yeah?)
The posts taught me this:
While white people are saying we’re tired just from learning about this stuff? Yes that’s valid, but when we’re saying that, it’s important to realize that Black women have been living it! They started this learning as tiny children. They’ve been carrying this burden. So, while I agree that it is exhausting and overwhelming and painful to look at systemic racism and our part in it, the point is that we need to be strong enough to keep on going, practice building strength and resilience. We need to tend to our exhaustion and find a way to keep showing up. Support each other and keep going because a little fatigue is no reason to rest while our Black sisters and brothers are being killed, denied healthcare and basic right to life, liberty, and happiness while being left to fight the oppression of systemic racism on their own. Our being tired is not reason to quit… We have to learn to be tougher than that.
It was in this same caption that one woman pointed out the problem with “kindness.”
She said kindness is not enough. ‘It’s sweet, and thanks, but it doesn’t create access to equal opportunities, security, and care.’ Kindness is lovely, but it doesn’t stop police violence or white supremacists from getting away with the literal murder of Black people. Kindness without real action is useless. And, in fact, kindness is something a lot of the very people preventing justice are showing to Black people on a daily basis. Show them kindness for the media and to protect your image, to give the idea that you’re supportive to their plight… as if kindness somehow frees you from the burden of doing the right thing.
[Unfortunately, I don’t have the sources of these posts anymore. I read them weeks ago and have been processing the information and educating myself in so many different places, I can’t trace it back to the original account. However, I’ve done my best to keep the message as close to what I encountered as possible. Seek out actual Black women and learn for yourself, please don’t just take my word for all of this.]
A few months ago, I did something that hurt another woman. Instead of being honest, I showed her what I thought was kindness. When she inevitably found out, it wasn’t the original wrong that I felt guilty for- and it wasn’t that original wrong alone that cut into both of our hearts- it was the way I abused ‘kindness,’ by using it as a mask to cover the truth- to soften a blow.
(This is what many deeply compassionate people do when they have an opportunity to speak up to injustice… they speak very gently, vaguely even, because they know how much it hurts to have to face your demons - so they try to be gentle and soften the blow, especially if they love and care for the person they are “calling out.”
As a result, they fail to take a true stand and their point falls flat. They’ve normalized and continued to tolerate injustice. That “kindness” is a cop-out from real justice. It’s not enough.)
Before I learned from a painful mistake, “kindness in the face of cruelty, and always,” was my motto… but after that, I spent weeks trying to understand what I should have done and how my life motto would leave such a gaping hole in my moral boundaries.
A few weeks later, I said something difficult, but true, to a friend and they took it with a lot of pain, asking me why I would say such a thing, true or not, knowing it would hurt them so much. I was trying not to make the painful mistake I’d made by using kindness to soften a blow, and it ended up really hurting someone - leaving me confused over what the ideal philosophy might be.
I was lost, asking myself how something as pure and beautiful as relentless loving kindness could possibly be bad…
It wasn’t until a Black woman explained it in her social media discussion on fighting systemic racism that it finally clicked for me why my silly ideal of kindness was nowhere near as powerful as the loving core I was trying to summon up and represent with that old life motto.
I learned that kindness isn’t the point.
Not really.
I’m not saying I’m about to go out and be a jerk to everyone, but I’m learning that kindness sometimes comes from a deep need to appear loving and worthy of being liked. It’s a little bit of a play, like wanting to be seen as the “good girl,” the one everyone agrees with. The kind and gentle one… who doesn’t ever do anything wrong and who everybody loves.
But the thing is…
once you really stand for something in life, there will inevitably be people who disagree with you.
And… there’s an awful lot of violence and cruelty in this world. Anyone truly committed to kindness is going to feel some strong things around that violence, which means they’re going to have to stand up to the oppressors and those contributing to the violence, or else they’re not truly living in alignment with their values.
And… sometimes traditional kindness doesn’t cut it.
Sometimes the oppressors must be called out publicly, to bring community together to change the system as a whole- and while that can be done in a respectful manner, it’s likely not going to be considered a kindness by the ones you stand up to or against.
And… there’s the other side of this where, sometimes someone you care for is heading in a direction that will lead them straight to harm. Maybe you’re the parent, best friend, coach, or trusted mentor. Maybe you’re just someone who cares. Is it kindness, then, to say bright things that make them feel better about themselves? Or is it more kind to see if they are open to your insight, and to share openly about your worry and what you see?
Sometimes love requires doing uncomfortable seemingly unkind things.
Sometimes doing the kindest thing means being unkind to the person on the other side of the table.
As beautiful as this pure, innocent concept of “kindness, always” is, it’s not enough to change the world. Because kindness is a lovely concept, but it’s not the way to live in true expression of a loving core.
Yes, I strive to be as kind as possible… but even more than that, I strive to be honest. I strive to live in alignment with my loving core through actively living out the beliefs I hold to be true and by also taking responsibility for learning and remaining open to new lessons in life.
I think there’s a next step above kindness…
And I think it’s called compassion…
To me, compassion is the combination of kindness, honesty, and action.
It’s the ultimate humanitarian act - the one that you live out in each moment. It’s imperfect and it can be messy, but it comes from the heart.
If there’s a way to say that as sweetly as “kindness in the face of cruelty, and always,” I just might make a new motto out of it… but for right now, I’m still learning this lesson. So I’m going to keep studying and doing my best, and see what comes from this divine lesson… and I hope in sharing the conversation from where I am today, I’ve helped you unfold your heart in new and beautiful ways as well.
Thank you to the beautiful voices of the Black community for your courage, time, insight, compassion, education, and encouragement in this awakening that is long overdue. I’m sorry it took me so long to get to this table, I’m sorry for how I’ve contributed to the suffering of the Black community and for the ways I’ve stayed silent in the midst of it as well. I’m here to do better. I’m learning what it means to be actively anti-racist. I’m grateful and honored to start doing my part and to pay attention to the leaders of this movement and keep the work going.
