How to Have a Difficult Conversation (and take the pressure off the other person)

Have you heard the old “use I statements,” lecture on effective communication?

In high school, I attended a class that lasted an entire year, three days per week, teaching all about conflict resolution, de-escalation, and effective communication. It was all about those I-statements.

That helped me a lot when I was working in healthcare, but it was never quite right for conversations with loved ones… I statements can get slippery when it comes to deeper relationships; they’re too easy to manipulate and overthink.

We get so focused on trying to “say it right,” that we end up almost saying nothing at all.

Photograph is me (as always)… captured by Rachel Renee Photographie

Instead… what I like to do runs a little closer to Brené Brown’s “The story I’m telling myself is…” concept.

Brené shares about this in a speech about an argument over an anniversary misunderstanding - you can watch it here.

What I love about this approach to resolving a conflict is that it takes away the attack feeling…

and allows you to really humbly and fully express how you are feeling, without pointing any blame. It opens up an avenue of conversation without immediately sparking defensiveness.

I recently had a discussion with an heirloom photographer who knows all too well the regret of never having taken a photo with a loved one - because once they’re gone, you can’t go back to capture the moments. This photographer has a family member who absolutely hates when things are about her and who really doesn’t like to have her photo taken. She thinks it’s vain and foolish to have things be all about her.

But my photographer friend knows that this photograph she’s aching to take is not a vain event - it’s an absolute treasure for her and the entire family, because her beloved aunt isn’t going to live forever, and she’s a beautiful thread in the family tapestry. They’ll want to pass her story down and it’d be a treasured gift to have a photograph that really does her aunt’s strength and presence justice.

The question?

How do you make someone understand that it’s a gift to allow themselves to be seen?

(And to be clear: you can’t make anyone understand anything. But… you can ask for an invitation to share your perspective with them. That’s what we’re getting at. Now, back to the story…)

We’re taught, especially as women, to be humble and meek and to not take up too much space or be too vain. As matrons of the family, it’s always about everyone else and there’s no room for “selfishness.”

But this isn’t an easy topic to address either. It’s not comfortable pushing beyond social norms and societal bounderies. It’s really not comfortable addressing our own sense of self-worth. And for some people, it’s really, really, really not comfortable accepting a genuine compliment - let alone allowing someone to capture the subject of the compliment and put it on display (in an heirloom portrait - no less)!

This is just one example, but if you’ve ever tried to convince a loved one to embrace how absolutely amazing they are and to share their gift with the world, or even just the rest of the family, you know how it goes.

You hint a bit. You hint a bit more. Finally, you just ask.

To which the response is nope. No, no. I couldn’t. No thanks.
That’s so sweet, but I’m good, thank you.

And eventually, when you keep asking, it’s just a bother.

It’s discouraging and frustrating on both sides, and it’s heart-breaking because you just wish this person could see themselves the way that you see them - how whole and beautiful and absolutely unique they are.

But when you’ve pushed the subject to the point of annoyance, what’s left to do?

You don’t have to wait until this point to start sharing that beautiful “this is the story I’m telling myself” perspective, but a lot of the time we try to force and coerce before we lean into our own vulnerability and be absolutely honest with the radiant human being right in front of us.

For me, vulnerability is an instinct.
But for most people, I think it’s a last resort.

So… what do you do? How DO you convince someone to let themselves be seen/shared/appreciated in some way? How do you let someone know how deeply meaningful they are to you, and help them to see what you see?

First of all, you have to be invited.

You can ask for the invitation, you don’t have to wait for it. But you do have to be invited.

So… put down the idea you’re trying to convince someone of, and instead turn your attention inward.

Ask yourself:

What is my fullest intention here?
Why do I want this?
Why do I care so much that my loved one understands my perspective and agrees to do this thing?

What do I want most for them?
What do I get out of this, and why does it mean so much to me?

Go deeper than the most literal answers.

Get mushy with yourself. The deepest human need is belonging and connection, there’s nothing cliché about it. You love this person, or you wouldn’t let this take up so much of your time and energy. So… what is it you really want for them, and why?

Then… you ask for the invitation.

And it just might help if you start by owning up to any pushing you’ve done up to that point, to show them that you’re laying down arms and not trying to force.

An important note: You’re being respectful of their boundaries and right to not be interested. That’s important. And you need to mean that. If they don’t want to talk after you present this new idea, you must truly intend to honor their wishes and let the issue be.

To feign interest in their wishes and boundaries just to get your way will only make everyone feel worse. It’s manipulative and unkind, even if your intentions feel right.
Love this person by respecting their wishes.

So, my photographer friend might ask for an invitation like this:

“I know you’re not fond of the idea of a portrait, and I understand. But I was wondering if I could share with you what this really means to me and why it feels so important. I won’t keep pushing, but I’d really like to share what I see. Is that okay?”

From there, her loved one has the chance to say, “I don’t want to hear anymore about this. No.”

But there’s a pretty good chance they’ll be curious - and relieved to hear that there won’t be anymore pushing.

Now, my photographer friend will lean in without any attachment to the outcome, treasuring the trust her loved one has just placed in her by being willing to hear her out on an uncomfortable subject, and she’ll be able to say to her aunt,

“When I lost my mom, I realized I didn’t have many meaningful photographs of her, and it broke my heart to realize she was gone and I couldn’t just go back in time and take them. The story I’m telling myself is that I have a duty to our family to capture the precious moments we can’t get back, and the stories that make up our legacy. I’m afraid you won’t always be here, and that when you’re gone, I’ll have no photographs to share with my children and grandchildren as I tell them about you.

You’ve always been a source of strength and courage in my life, and it makes me sad to imagine not having a photograph that speaks to the power of your presence long after we’ve all left this world. You are an important part of our history, a precious part of my life, and a beautiful human being. That is why this photograph means so much to me.

I know you don’t want to be vain and frivolous, and I hope you can see how this would be a gift to your family for generations, there’s nothing self-centered about it. It would be a joy and an honor if you would create this piece of art with me.

Thank you for hearing me out, I know this is heavy stuff.”

Do you see how it became I-statements, without overthinking, when the conversation was led by vulnerable honesty?

I’ll break it down here so you can see how you might piece together your own statement for a loved one. Remember, there’s no script for these conversations, it’s just a matter of being genuinely honest and true in your intentions.

“When I lost my mom, I realized I didn’t have many meaningful photographs of her, and it broke my heart to realize she was gone and I couldn’t just go back in time and take them.
[Admitting the deepest reason you want this. Lead with vulnerability.]

The story I’m telling myself is: that I have a duty to our family to capture the precious moments we can’t get back, and the stories that make up our legacy.

I’m afraid you won’t always be here, and that when you’re gone, I’ll have no photographs to share with my children and grandchildren as I tell them about you.
[Present the stakes you see - and do it honestly. They’ve trusted you by inviting the conversation, don’t ruin that by trying to manipulate them. The pure truth is enough. Remember, you came into this conversation with the intention to honor and respect their wishes. Just be honest, and don’t manipulate.]

You’ve always been a source of strength and courage in my life, and it makes me sad to imagine not having a photograph that speaks to the power of your presence long after we’ve all left this world. You are an important part of our history, a precious part of my life, and a beautiful human being.
[Let them know you see them. Show them how you see them. If you can’t do this, you might just be manipulating someone to get your own way; that’s not the perspective to start these conversations from. If that’s the case, sit with that and work your own intentions out instead.]

That is why this photograph means so much to me. I know you don’t want to be vain and frivolous, and I hope you can see how this would be a gift to your family for generations, there’s nothing self-centered about it. It would be a joy and an honor if you would create this piece of art with me. Thank you for hearing me out, I know this is heavy stuff.”
[Explain why the thing you want them to do is the solution you see.]

Closing these conversations can be difficult…

because you want an answer and you’ve also just been vulnerable and might be feeling exposed and fragile. They might be surprised at what you’ve shared and need time to process before they’re ready to respond.

There are two things to remember here:

First: Be clear and gracious.
Make it clear that this is something you genuinely want to be involved in, and also offer them a dignified “escape.” (In the example above, we did this by saying “It would be a joy and an honor if you would create this piece of art with me. Thank you for hearing me out, I know this is heavy stuff.”)

The reason you want to do that is because you’ve promised to honor their boundaries and not push. You are immediately showing them that you will honor that by giving them a gentle way to ease out of the uncomfortable conversation.

Leave it in their hands what they want to do next and be grateful they’ve been willing to share a vulnerable space with you.

Second: Be prepared to listen. Really listen.
You’ve just shared your map with them. They might want to share their map with you - in which case, great! Listen thoroughly and enjoy the conversation!

And if they’re not eager to share right away…

Remember that they haven’t been reading articles like this to be prepared for the conversation, so it might be a little more difficult for them to say what they mean right on the spot.

Especially for different generations and cultures, this level of vulnerability is precious to experience but completely foreign to engage in. It’s not easy for everyone to accept someone else’s vulnerability, let alone express their own.

Listen to their response and notice how they’re feeling.

How are their shoulders?

What’s their facial expression?

Is their posture open or closed?

Is their jaw clenched?

Are their hands wiggly?

Vulnerability and confrontation set off alarm bells and survival instincts in even the most strong and composed people you know.

No matter how tough your family member may seem, they have these feelings and experiences.

If their posture is closed, don’t try to pry them open.

You’ve just promised to honor their boundaries. Show them that they can count on you to do it.

If they’re squirmy and obviously uncomfortable, take the pressure off of them in a subtle way.

Find an excuse to give them some space.

Go for a glass of water, offer a drink, open a window. Let them breathe and see that you’re genuinely not just going to keep pushing, especially if you’ve pushed a lot in the past.

If you come back after a short break and they’re not ready to talk, invite them to do something low-pressure for a while. Cook a meal, go for a walk, do something in companionship and don’t press the issue. Ask about their lives. See and notice them. You might see something you never noticed before.

Remember to be genuine, above all else.

Tough conversations might not be fun, but when you lead with a genuine intention of honest communication and you’re willing and able to be truly vulnerable and open on your end, it provides a lot of relief and freedom for the other side of the conversation. It’s not about “saying I instead of you so you don’t agitate the other person.” It’s about a genuine bond and deep respect and love for one another.

On a personal note…

This is something a lot of people have asked me about, and something I felt super nervous putting into a how-to format.
I hope the article has been helpful, and I hope you’ll use it for genuine conversations with pure intentions and not as a tool to manipulate the people you love the most. Always, always, always check your own intentions and make sure you’re willing and committed to respecting your loved ones’ wishes and boundaries before you ever lean into vulnerability. Vulnerability is not to be used as a weapon.