Duality | Will You Create Dreams or Boxes?
There’s this theme that shows up in my life over and over:
Duality.
The Concept Two Separate And Exclusive Things That Cannot Coexist.
I think you can probably relate to this theme - because this is the single most searched topic my readers find me for across Pinterest, Google, and Bing. (If that’s how you got here, it’s so cool that you saw my post and decided to check this whole serendipity lifestyle thing out, btw! Thank you for being here, hello, and welcome!)
My life has transformed dramatically in the past year, so let me get you up to speed.
Story Time
Let’s rewind a bit.
It’s summer, 2018. I’m 22 years old, I saw the ocean for the first and only time in my life at 11 years old. I fell in love with it and literally teared up every single day for 11 years dreaming of someday seeing the ocean again - and not even daring to admit I actually dreamed of living by it.
Then… I hire this epic life coach to help me build my own coaching business… and at some point during our sessions, I realize:
I’m a grown woman with an online business and a functioning vehicle. And I only live 9 hours from the ocean. WHY am I crying over this every day instead of just saving up the $150 for gas + $90 for a cheap AirBnB, and going to the ocean?
So, I go, right?
All by my little self because my (now ex) husband wouldn’t take the time off to come with me.
(Spoiler alert - we weren’t right for each other.)
And the moment I drive across the bridge into this stunning little ocean town… I shiver, I have to pull over because the tears won’t stop. I’m covered in goosebumps.
I swear my soul whispered Here. Right here. I’m home.
Now, fast forward.
It’s June 2019, I’ve been working as a virtual assistant while I do more personal development work and continue building my life coaching business. I’ve actually been really sick, like fighting for my life sick, and the trauma of it all had me in this pit of depression and severe social anxiety.
And then, my sweet client, who lives in Washington, invites me to this huge $700 networking conference… This client is an incredible business mentor, and she pushes me to go, even pays for my ticket. So, I show up to my first ever conference and networking event… after months of having barely left the house - months of feeling alone, isolated, craving the ocean air I’d enjoyed for that one precious weekend the summer before.
In the year since starting my business, I’d found some really crummy coaches and a lot of shady marketing tactics. I was disappointed and my biz-circle was growing increasingly smaller as I found more and more fraudulent behavior in my industry.
And then this conference changed everything.
They started speaking up on stage. Self-made and impact-driven millionaires, industry leaders, bloggers, photographers, authors, artists, creators! And they were speaking my language. They talked about leading with generosity, teaching everything you know. Sharing your best, giving away the “secrets,” and coming to business from a place of service.
To make an impact in the world.
Inspired beyond my wildest dreams to see so many people like me, I built a website for my brand new business on the first night of that conference, left the conference with a handful of clients that would start a chain of referrals. The company was called Revived Socials - a social media marketing agency designed to treat my clients’ audiences like the actual human beings they were - to make the marketing about relationship, not pushy, selfish convincing. It turned into a full-time income within its first month.
By September 2019, I had an RV and was ready to move to the Oregon coast.
My dream come true. I pulled into my new home in Florence on September 22, 2019. I’m feeling raw, shaken up, in a new place away from everything I’ve ever known… and I’m finally home. I’ve been here ever since.
So, I start healing.
I write my second book.
I get interviewed by one of the very creators I was so touched and inspired by back at the conference in June.
(Here’s what she wrote about me. Tears.)
And then, in November, 2019… I meet someone who changed my life.
Now, back to the point:
Duality is the concept of opposites.
It’s What Tells Us We Can Have Either A Or B (But Not Both).
But what I’m learning is that most things are not as black and white as they seem. It’s usually more of a spectrum, or a matter of creativity. (Or, um, pure stubbornness, that tends to be helpful too. Not that I’m ever stubborn or anything. *wink*)
Duality and this rigid concept of having limited options and having to choose between two things that seem to be calling my heart and head in different directions have been the number one source of setback and misery in my life so far… and learning to be more flexible and curious in my idea of what’s possible has lead to literally all of my dreams coming true, and then going a step further and becoming new dreams I never would have even imagined back when paradoxes weren’t an option.
When I was crying over wanting to see the ocean every day, I was telling myself this story that I was too busy building a stable life to take a break for the ocean. I was also telling myself that once I went, I’d never want to leave. So it was either/or and all-or-nothing, combined, that kept me crying not just from age 11 until I turned 18 and could go on my own, but also for the additional 4 years it took for me to finally take the 9 hour drive across one state by myself to go see the oceanic love of my life.
I know that probably sounds a little dramatic, but everyone knows how powerfully convincing and emotional the stories in our own heads can get, especially if we’re not sharing them with others and it’s kept inside our own little echo-chamber of thoughts buzzing around.
If you read between the lines of the story I just told you about how I ended up living this RV life on the Oregon coast dream (and trace back a couple recent blog posts), you’ll notice that, in nearly every instance of turmoil or confusion, I’m feeling torn!
I’m stuck between two things, trying to figure out what the right thing to do is and honor my loving core while also taking an action that shows compassion toward others and makes sense in the long term.
You’ll also notice that every breakthrough, every time I’m soaring and overwhelmed with joy and love and gratitude, I’ve managed to find a way to have the ‘both and more’ behind whatever I was just torn about.
It’s Incredible To Watch From A Mindfulness Perspective!
The human brain has such a talent for creating structures and connections! I used to think my mind was making up connections where there were none, but I’m beginning to realize it’s actually seeing connections that are really there - it’s just that when I’m feeling trapped, limited, stuck, or like something is off, it’s also true that I’m looking right through some connections. I’m seeing only what I can convince myself to believe is possible, rather than seeing the full picture.
If this is interesting to you and you want to explore it more to create less limiting duality and increase your capacity to see infinite possibilities (ie. embrace a mindset that nurtures and invites in the serendipitous moments we all love so much), I have a couple tips for you that have helped me along the way:
Surround yourself with people who are expansive thinkers!
Creative and innovative people who love connections and growth - curious people! If you can’t do this in person right now, don’t worry and don’t feel bad. I couldn’t either. Start with books, podcasts, TV shows even (Queer Eye is a good one for this), YouTube videos of speeches (look up Craft & Commerce by ConvertKit on YouTube for some inspiring people). Follow the bread crumbs and surround yourself with beacons of possibility. The more you live it, the more you’ll attract them into your life in person too.Start a mindfulness practice.
This doesn’t mean shut off or silence your brain… Instead, just detach from the voice in your head. Allow it to go on, and realize that it’s not 100% of you. The chatter is fine, learn to observe it. You could become amused at the way your brain is able to go down rabbit holes - like if you try to focus on just one thing for 45 seconds and you can’t seem to make it 12 seconds without getting distracted. Just play with this for a couple minutes a day. Tie it into something you already do like brushing your teeth or doing the dishes.
When you get to know your brain and allow the chatter to be there while also realizing there’s more to you than the confines of the box your monkey mind is chattering about, you’ll begin to see and get curious about new possibilities you might not have considered in every area of your life. It’s really fun and exciting!Play with possibility.
If you’re just getting started with mindset practices like this, it might be helpful to actually schedule. Give yourself a 20-90 minute window each week to go and play with possibility. Go for a walk, open an article online, explore YouTube, pet your cat, go swimming, whatever floats your boat. Do something that feels casual and pleasant, and just set the intention of playing with possibility and maybe doing this casual activity in a slightly different way than you’ve ever done it before. Just get curious and follow the bread crumbs. Leave some wiggle room in your plans so serendipity can step in.
This is a fun journey and I hope you’ve found some helpful tidbits in this blog.
Here’s to seeing your dreams start unfolding in unexpected ways too!
