Three Years in One | New Love in Pandemic Times

My first thought this morning knocked the breath from my lungs…

Half a lifetime together isn’t enough. I want more time with you.

Photography by Rachel Renee

I opened my eyes acutely aware that it was a new day, and one of hope after the inauguration of our new president and Madam VP Kamala Harris. Amanda Gorman’s poem still nestled in my heart and dancing gently through my waking bones. When I fell asleep last night, I knew something had shifted. Something big. Maybe that’s what brought this morning thought to mind with such longing and urgency.

I’d been dreaming, and in my dream I removed a sea shell from my eye. It wasn’t painful, and I wasn’t panicked as I removed it. I was aware, within the dream, that I felt calm, powerful, strong, at peace… and that this was a new state of being for me. I was grateful.

My second thought?

“Thank the Universe we’ve been able to fit three years of life and love into just one. Maybe we have plenty of time, after all.”

And then I realized how incredibly blessed I am that my first thought this morning was of love and life…

And how this year of pandemic has changed everything in me. The way life unfolded, my new love and I had just taken the step of moving in together as the pandemic began. I feel blessed, as I’ve watched my friends and loved ones navigate these times alone or in toxic relationships, now holding on for dear life, that I’ve had the gift of a partner who is able to lean in with expansiveness and support.

Horst and I come from very different walks of life, in even more ways than you expect at first glance, and we both have these powerful background and roots in growing and experiencing life on deeper levels… while also learning to connect more deeply with and be of service to the world around us. From the first night we met, he’s been a light in my life… and also a mirror reflecting my own light back to me.

Have you ever had your own light reflected back to you every single day for a year?

It’s impossible for magic not to happen, as long as you have the courage to let it in. (Some days I do, others I don’t. On these days, love carries me through… and what I’ve learned already in 2021 is that there are more times of love in the world than relationships, and there is nothing more powerful than the bonds of sisterhood. Female friendships will change the world. They already are.)

These days, I’m not so concerned with habits and routines and shoulds and shouldnots.

I’m not afraid of how I’m perceived, because now I know anyone who intends to understand me or wishes for peace or clarity will be available for discussion if they misunderstand or if I have more to communicate. I’ve learned that, while it’s amazing to be improving skill and clarity, communication isn’t a one-and-done thing 99.9% of the time. It’s such a relief!

Structure is a tool, not a trap.

Routines and habits, while beautiful and wonderful and still a foundation of peace and strength for me… no longer feel all-or-nothing, either. Through the pandemic, I’ve had the opportunity to just talk with so many people in coffee chats and divinely human email conversations, and I’ve seen first hand how none of us has it all together. We’re learning, we’re growing and adjusting.

Structure is a tool, not a trap. I’ve learned to show myself grace and compassion, and to seek accountability if and when I’m truly ready to commit and work in community to achieve a result. Before I’m truly ready for that level of commitment, I’m now trusting that that’s okay. I’m where I’m meant to be. There will always be somewhere I can improve, and there is also always something calling my heart. When the two don’t agree, it’s my heart that I will follow. She seems to know where she’s going, even when the rest of me has no idea what is going on.

What I’m most afraid of in life is having to say goodbye before I’ve made the difference…

I can’t shake this feeling that my life is halfway over. That I’ve reached that peak and the majority is passed. Maybe that’s all in my head, and I hope so. But my lungs and the tiredness in my tissues insist. They don’t bounce back the way they did when I was a kid.

And it’s okay. I know we all have our hands dealt. Life and death are one and the same, that’s okay. But I’m not done yet; I’m just getting started and I’m scared there’s not enough time and energy to go around giving the love I wish to give, feeling the joy and pleasure of life, and delivering the impact that makes my soul sparkle.

I don’t just want them to know I was here, I want the world to be better for it.

This pandemic has given me the opportunity to see first-hand over and over again just how impactful one single voice or work of art from one beautiful human can be. It’s restored my hope and my determination… and now combined with the introduction of Madam VP Kamala Harris and all that we are working together to transform and all we are striving in community to address, heal, and change… I’ve finally woken up to the fact that this life, this world, this country is all MINE too. I don’t feel like an outsider anymore.

I’ve wanted to run from the US since I was 16 years old, and on January 20, 2021, for the first time, I wanted to stay. I felt at home in this country… I saw that it wasn’t a hopeless battle where I couldn’t make a difference, and instead that it was my civic duty and my mission and even my delight to stay and be a part of the change I wish to see in the United States of America. And I felt ashamed for the weakness and cowardice I showed and how little faith I had in this country’s people before I even truly tried to get to know them and give them a chance.

I’ve traveled across the country now and lived in Florida before making it here to South Carolina. Maybe this has all been part of the awakening, after spending my whole life in one very red state. Be all of that what it may, I’m committed now and ready to embrace my country as home and do my best to be and spark the change that I wish to see… while also listening and coming to know what is needed by those I who’s voices I didn’t hear (and hadn’t truly looked and listened for, I now see).

I didn’t take care of my cystic fibrosis in 2020, and I feel the toll in my body.

There’s a tinge of regret and disappointment toward myself with every cough, especially as they get to the point that I can’t suppress it. They come no matter how hard I try now. I do live videos to market for Pinspired Profits, and I meet my clients and friends on Zoom, and everyone sees me cough. It’s a level of humility and this gentle stroke of terror every time. I know that it’s not the end for me, and I also feel my old friend Fear of Death returning for the first time since I was in high school. I know how to greet this fear and sooth it. I know how to lean in and take care of myself and embrace the precious moments for all that they are. I’m grateful for this reminder of how much each moment matters.

It stings a little more than it did back then to feel my body shuddering and my lungs filling up once again.

As the virus rages on and lives continue to be lost, I feel myself rooting deeper into this bubble of hopeful safety. I’m digging deeper into my business and working to make Pinspired Profits a company that can thrive and cover the cost of my expenses, the impact I wish to make in the world, and also provide the magic I’ve created with my clients, even in the event that I need to take a break or cannot work. It’s scary, and it almost feels like some secret I shouldn’t share publicly, but I’ve never been one for secrets and I think transparency and honesty are always the best policy. I’m not going anywhere any time soon. I’m here and I’m doing important and powerful work. It will be okay.

And besides, I’m not alone.

I fell in love with Horst slowly, and then all at once…

We joked in the beginning about our story turning into a book, and now it’s actually being written because it was too magical and impossible not to write about! I giggle at it sometimes because I remember in Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert assures her lover nobody reads her books and that it’ll be no big deal for her to write about him. And then… well we all know of Eat Pray Love now, don’t we?

Maybe falling in love in the forest near the ocean qualifies as some sort of epic love story, I don’t know. I guess that’ll be for readers to someday decide. And in the meantime, I’m just grateful.

I fell into this love like a rabbit hole, nearly the story of the White Rabbit himself… losing weeks in my own siren-infested island Scylla. The journey from the girl I used to be to the woman I am today was nothing short of an odyssey, and I get the feeling I’m still just in the beginning. There were moments I expected to lose it, certain what I needed to do to care for myself would mean the end of the magic…

And in every instance where I expected him to watch in silence as I walked away, he surprised me.

In every moment I was filled with doubt, he showed me a new way I hadn’t seen before. (Thank you.)

The most important thing I’m taking away from these three years packed into one is that I am always exactly where I’m meant to be.

Leaning in and honoring my truth is allowed to come first, always.

And that will either click with those I love most and the plans I hope to follow, or it won’t. Either way, honoring my truth and leaning into the love of the universe always serves me. In this most magical, sometimes-confusing, brilliant love story, I’ve learned to trust and honor myself and to speak life to my dreams, needs, and desires.

It hasn’t been easy to share this new experience or the fragile buds of confidence and peace that came into my life so unexpectedly, but I hope in the unfolding and sharing others have been able to find their own freedom and courage alongside me.

I find I’m writing less these days, but I’m sharing more in pictures and short videos. If you want to keep up on the story and stay in touch, come find me on Instagram and let’s be friends.

Rambles written with love from South Carolina.

xo,
Jessica Bird