The Day After I Ended It.

I’m writing this in the hours after asking him to leave, once and for all… And it hurts.
Something is telling me to write it… to share through the pain. Take what you need, and be gentle with me. This one isn’t easy.

I’m sitting on the beach
with my broken heart today…

And I’m just wondering: why?!
Why are things allowed to happen this way?

How can I love someone as much as I love this man… and still have to him let go?

And why do people keep going in life and love
(after this happens to them)?

How can anyone ever love again after pain like this?
Why would anyone ever let it in again?

I threw rocks and screamed into the ocean
hurdling all the pain I wish he hadn’t given me

Shouting the words I’d never say to anyone
and letting the the sorry-for-myself bitterness flood out.

All day, I’ve been feeling the waves of calm surrender and desperate grief wash over me one after another.

I feel so foolish, like everyone warned me about this
and I walked right into it and thought it would be different.

I believed he would be different.
I believed in him to the very last moment.

He always proved me wrong.

Even after I almost lost my own life in this mess,
I believed we could grow together.

And I’m looking at it all now and wondering: why?
I’d already started grieving; why did I invite him back in?

But I know exactly why: Because I love him.
With all my heart, I have. I did. I still do.

So then a worse thought hits:

What’s the point if my love can’t help an addict I love and cherish?
What’s the point if I can’t live with the person I want to share this life with more than anything in the whole world?

My broken heart persists… I keep listening and watching.

I see the waves breaking on the shore
and I see how peaceful it looks,

Even though it’s always moving.
The wave is never really there, but at the same time it’s always there.

I don’t know how that makes any sense or means anything at all, but somehow… it’s enough.

Right now, the waves are why.

I’m holding on.

And it’s going to get better.

This is grief, and I will make peace with it.
I don’t know how or when, but I will.

I love you (so, so much).
I’m sorry.
I forgive you.
Thank you.