The One I Wrote Before We Broke Up

Strangest wilderness inside
The heart drifts from hot to cold
You think it can't make up its mind
But suddenly it's always known
Suddenly it's always known

— Birdy, Surrender (2021)

Have you ever had to break up with someone you loved?

I Spend A Lot Of Time Lately Praying For The Strength To Let Go With Grace.

I keep waiting for someone to come take my hand and make it easier. Less scary. Someone to look me in the eye and tell me I’m doing the right thing, because one moment I know I am, and the next I’m convinced it’s anything but...

In the doubt, I convince myself I’m being silly, naïve, judgmental, selfish…
that I’m hurting someone. I must be cruel.

I tell my closest friends, and what I know is right comes clearer than ever.
And facing that hurts, too.

Love shouldn’t make you doubt yourself like this.
My friends offer comfort and assurance.

My sisters take my hands and I know they’ll hold me through the hurt.
But when it comes time to make the final cut, something only I can do, I freeze.

“This can’t be right. Just hang on a little longer.
It’ll get better,” my heart whispers.

There’s a mess, and I know I’ve made it worse by hesitating.
The back and forth has to stop.

So today, I pray for the strength to remember that not choosing is also a choice...
and that my job is to live in integrity and alignment with my deepest knowing.

To trust myself and choose myself.

The Bitter Truth…

It took a 2,000 mile flight and another month of torturing each other to finally realize, no matter how much I love him, I can’t hold onto what is toxic for me. What hurts the most is knowing he won’t understand what I really mean, what I see, what’s happening. He’ll feel the heartbreak, but not see the love behind the letting go.

That’s the hesitation - knowing that not understanding makes it hurt more than it needs to…
and thinking maybe, just maybe, it could all be better, or I could at least explain it better, with another day… or week… or month.

But I said I needed integrity, and I meant it.
All my life, other peoples’ addictions paved the path.

My mind needs stability to piece my world back together,
and my heart needs room to heal.

I can’t make myself keep trying at this anymore.
Loving you is killing me.

It’s time to let go.