Prednisone Was Evil... (are you angry all the time?)

I want to share a terrifying experience I had with a medication called Prednisone.

I Want To Tell You How I Felt Like It Was Eating My Soul, How I Was On Fire And I Couldn’t Scream For Help… And How I’ve Learned To Love More Deeply Because Of This.

About Prednisone:
I’m still a little fuzzy on some of the medical details- but basically my IgE levels were super high and wouldn’t come down. (That has to do with your inflammatory response. Mine was over 1,000 and still rising. Around 200 is normal and around 500 is normal for someone experiencing severe seasonal allergies, from what I understand.) This wasn’t a CF thing, I was sick in a different way and I still don’t really understand it. I don’t think my docs do either. Keep in mind I’m not a doctor, I’m just writing from my understanding of my own experience and stuff I read online. The medical details aren’t the point anyway, but I want to provide a little background info to help you understand the story.

Backstory:

So, after a little over a year of living in a nightmarish situation with an in-law, I ended up experiencing overwhelming inflammation. My IgE levels were through the roof, my CF was more noticeable than it’s ever been, I was on a roller coaster and struggling with the worst anxiety and depression I’d ever felt in my life. And when I finally moved out of that place and into my own again, I went to the doctor. After some tests, they wanted to put me on Prednisone to take the inflammation down and get my IgE back to a safe level. They said it would probably give me more energy too. (That is hilarious in hindsight. Yeah, it sure did give me more energy.)

Anyway, that was about all I knew going into taking the drug.

…And Once It Kicked In, I Felt AMAZING.

It was the highest high point I’ve ever hit- and I’ve been the queen of emotional rollercoasters and crazy high points before. So that’s saying something.

I was on the full dose for just two weeks, and the plan was to then spend 3 months weaning me off safely because the effects are so powerful my body could go into massive withdrawals if we weren’t gentle.

Needless to say, as the weaning began and the high wore off, I felt afraid and deeply betrayed. Prednisone is how I imagine meth. My research told me it’s the closest legal thing to meth- and while you can’t believe everything you read online, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if that was true.

I’m Usually Gentle, Playful, And Kind. I Get Excited And Giggly, But I’m Not Aggressive.
Prednisone Changed That.

I felt as if it literally changed who I was. I was MEAN! I was sooooo angry all the time. I hurt myself constantly in an eternal hurry- bumps and cuts and bruises, and each moment of pain just made me more angry. My mood would go from elated to the fiery depths of hell in a split second. I was outright cruel and I couldn’t control it. I hated myself. I missed myself. I felt like it would never wear off.

I swore I was going to write about the experience because I know so many people are on this drug, many people have to take it indefinitely like their life depends on it, and I wanted them to know they weren’t alone. I grieved for my loving kindness, my mindfulness, my sense of peace and connection with my body. That was gone. Completely. Nothing brought it back. Not yoga, deep breathing, morning walks, my favorite things. I binged sweet coffees and boba teas at hundreds of dollars per month just trying to feel something, anything real again. I felt like I’d never loved, like I never would love. My body felt like shards of glass around me.

I’m not being dramatic. This is truly what every moment felt.

And my mind was so busy! And so quick! I could notice all of these things at once in the tiniest blip in time and still have room for more.

I was working myself to death. There were some perks- like how I suddenly had this crazy hustle energy that enabled me to build my business and get it fully booked and making a beautiful income over the course of, like, 60 days. And how easy it was for me to manage 12 different social media clients along with my new business while also creating courses and spending time with my dogs and planning this move to the edge of the world.

I might not have made it out here this year if it weren’t for the sheer force and will the Prednisone gave me. I’m not even sure how to feel about that.

I took my last dose of the Prednisone right around the time I moved. And after a week of feeling unsettled and angsty, I settled into a routine and habits that helped me bring myself back to life again. I nurtured my loving kindness, helped the raging anger and mood swings fizzle out and die down by surrounding myself with peaceful, cozy, loving spaces.

Summer Is A Season Of Heat…
Not Just In The Weather But In Our Bodies, Minds, And Spirits Too.

It’s a season for busy-ness and making and doing. It’s a season for action. But Prednisone made me so active too, it felt like added heat in my already heated summer state of being, and by the time I made it to the Oregon coast, I was crying dry tears aching for the rain to wash it all away. I couldn’t bare encountering people who were angry or aggressive in any way, the heat in addition to the heat I was already struggling under was just too much. It was a new kind of discomfort I’d never felt before, and as hard as I tried to surrender to it, to breathe and allow it to flow through me, it just wouldn’t. I felt it suffocating the parts of me I loved the most, and I was so scared. I didn’t know how to communicate it to anyone. The thought of the ocean and the rain were the only solace I could invite in.

But today… I realized something amazing.

That evil drug I hated so much? It provided the most incredible sort of contrast for me.

I love contrast. I think it’s a precious gift. It’s what we need- we can’t see the light stars without the dark sky. We can’t treasure the cool rain without first feeling the hot sun. We can’t appreciate a loved one as well when we’ve spent days on end with them.

I Couldn’t See My Gentle, Loving Presence As The Gift That It Was
Until I Had To Live 3 Months Without It Under The Fires Of Prednisone-Induced Anger.

The timing has worked out so beautifully, easing into fall in this coastal forest… Despite feeling like I’d been lost, people saw me through the fire and darkness. I had an amazing opportunity to be interviewed by a wonderful storyteller, and my story is going to be shared with so many people. I was able to meet the most fantastic people- many of whom became my clients, friends, and mentors.

At a time when I felt like everything precious inside of me was burnt to a crisp, there were these radiant, kind, and gentle humans who saw me through it. Who recognized me underneath and who were here with a refreshing and safe embrace as I crawled out of the ashes at the end of it all.

There are so many lessons in this…

A Final Thing I Want To Share With You Is That Prednisone Has Taught Me The Art Of Compassion Like Nothing Else In My Life Ever Did.

I hope I can share this lesson with you, without you having to experience it for yourself.

Surviving tragedy and trauma, living with a chronic illness, being insightful and thoughtful and kind… that’s all been monumental in teaching me the art of loving kindness. But Prednisone taught me to consider that people may be cruel and angry and hurting with no big obvious excuse at all, and their pain is still valid, and they are still worthy of loving kindness, and they still have a loving core.

And maybe their anger and harshness scares them more than anyone will ever be able to understand. Maybe they can’t make it stop, and it’s eating them alive inside. So instead of feeling fired up, instead of taking cruelty personally- even when it is directed at someone I love and the urge to protect is overwhelming- I am going to do my best to always error on the side of understanding. Because you just never know who has been tricked and trapped into taking Prednisone. Who can’t stop taking it, or else they’ll die. You never know who is taking something like this, and maybe they have to wean off slowly over months even though they feel it burning their beautiful loving core with every waking moment. They can’t just stop. They can’t make it stop. They can’t find the words to share the pain and fear happening inside. They’ve been fighting so long they’re exhausted, they don’t know how to keep going, and they feel they’ll never win the battle. That feeling is very real and if you’ve never felt it, I can’t begin to describe to you how painful it is.

Maybe the cruel people we encounter aren’t really cruel, maybe they’re made of love and cruelty has attacked their hearts- and they’re so worn down from the battles that they can’t even show you how much they hate themselves for the cruelty spewing from their lips and eyes. Maybe they’re trying their very best, and they have been for such a very long time, and maybe they need to encounter someone who can love them still, who can be a cool drink of water, aloe on the wounds of their burnt heart. You can be that soothing encounter and ease their pain… it only takes a moment to spark hope again and possibly save a loving soul from an early death inside a living body.

So… I Will Judge Gently. I Will Love More Freely.
I Will Show Kindness In The Face Of Cruelty, Always.

I hope you can find it in your heart to do the same.

Whoever you are, I love you.
- Jessica